Nanas' Last Look

              

My feet were frozen in that spot, fused to the hideous green carpet in the stairwell of my mother’s apartment. As I watched the two paramedics struggle to wheel the large gurney through the narrow opening of my mother’s wooden trimmed apartment door, I went numb. Nanas' facial expression was one of complete exhaustion. Her body lay still, weak and frail and barely recognizable from the Grandmother I grew up loving. Yes, her hair was still in locks but now they had grayed. Yes, her skin still smelled of sweet lavender but it no longer had a bright shine. She had always been thin framed but now she was mostly skin and bones; outside of her distended stomach that gave her the appearance of being with child. The cancer had robbed her of the glow that was once synonymous with her. As I surveyed my best friend, I convinced myself if I didn’t tell her that I loved her that she couldn’t die. She locked eyes with me momentarily then as she rounded the stairwell she expended a flimsy but sincere smile. I just stared. I should have used the last moment that I would lay eyes her alive, to tell her just how much she meant to me and how much I did and still love her. 

Imagine This 1

Imagine..

You charge your phone. Tuck it in so to speak. Check your alarm for work in the morning, it's ready to go. So are you, you've prepared to brave your Monday!

But first you've prepared for sleep. You've slept great. Not one of the cat nap type of sleep, a deep Rem Cycle. Uninterrupted.

Uninterrupted! You're sleeping TOO GOOD! You overslept...about an hour. You start to think but realize you don't have time to think you have to get ready!

You send a text to your superiors alerting them that you will be right in....jump in the shower...hear an error....you'll send it again after you've dressed. You try again...another error. "Call Sprint later" you tell yourself.

Traffic is heavy today. Especially for this hour. You wonder is it you or does everyone have road rage this morning?

You try your text message again. This is at the 4-way stop sign that's taking foooorever. You attempt to call work....nothing no signal,no ringing. Restart, take battery out. OK try another call..nothing again.

Honk! The person behind you. Honks at you!

You make it work and park. Security is at the doors checking badges and Id's for entry. That's different. "Why?" you ask. "System down." they say. You get to your desk, start your computer, you see people talking in groups. No not about you. Something is going on here. Whose been fired? Or worse who dropped dead?

Seems like every landlines is ringing in the office. None of your work can up link to the Internet...Have you been fired?
Possibly?
Nah.

Coworker comes to you and asks you "Isn't this crazy?" Obviously you haven't gotten the memo. Puzzled you give no response when your co-worker says "NO INTERNET!"

NOT POSSIBLE!

Thinking back: no alarm, couldn't text out, couldn't call out, Heavy and irate traffic, no security system, no up link? Wait a moment had the Internet crashed?

A few co-workers near a radio...listening to a dry but frantic reporter give an" Update on the status of our Network Blackout and probability of a resolution."

Probability? What did that mean? Don't they mean when not if? So what else does that mean? No land line no phone service? No search engines, no: Snapchat,Facebook,Twitter, nothing. Social Media, No surfing, no testing, no email, no network no network reliant apps Ever again????

No streaming ,no sharing, no liking, no surfing, no downloading, no uploading, no passwords? No Internet.

Your world just changed..

Picture yourself there and picture the rest of your day Enjoy your imagination!

What Does Friendship Look Like?

Having a real friend means never being alone, unless by choice. It means having someone to tell your deepest darkest secrets to and knowing its safer than the secrets in Fort Knox.

            It means never having to explain your inner emotions other than detailing, because the moment they see your face, hear your voice, or get in your presence they are so connected to you they know when your aura is off. They know you so well that, before you even respond to a happening they know what you will say, feel, think. 

           Friendship means support: emotional, mental, spiritually even. It means having someone to tell you truth even when you don't want to hear it but need to hear it. True friendship means loyalty, openness, love, honesty, dependability. It means open dialogue at any time of day, in any season, for any reason.

          I've always valued my friendly relationships and tried to display these qualities. That value came from being a Navy brat. Moving around a lot never promoted stability in a friendship. In fact what I learned, is that all relationships are temporary, even good ones. It's the lesson I took away from it even if its not true.

         I do know it's not true. I see people with friends from diapers, since they were 5 or 12 years old, long-term friendships. These relationships should be highly valued and those in them should consider yourselves

very fortunate and blessed. There are some who don't have that and have no idea what it feels like in a human to human factor.

          For those who don't have that and feel empty or alone I want to say:
YOU DO HAVE THAT FRIEND. 

        God is really all the friend you need. He hits every mark even down to the open dialogue through His word the Bible. There's no better friend to have, truly. Not a stronger one. Not one more willing or capeable to help in times of distress. Don't overlook that.

That's my sermon for today.
Have a good weekend!

Love is A 14-Piece Puzzle

I sometimes wonder if being in love equals being a fool. Is it the same thing? Every time I’ve had deep emotions for a person and they let me down (as everyone will, because no one is perfect) I regretted ever opening my heart. I look at married couples and honestly very few do I admire. Just about everyone I know who’s married has a grey area. I see or hear something about the marriage and immediately think “No friggin way! I would never put up with that in a million years.” But is the tradeoff being single? Or is there a happy medium anywhere?

I'm aware pride is for the fool. But haven’t you heard that “love is for fools” and” love don’t love nobody?”  Or is my love button broken? Is it me? I truly can’t imagine being a fool for love. Then again, as I look over my past relationships, I have before. However, when I was playing the fool (as we all have at some point in time) I didn’t care! Being with that person meant more to me than the appearance of being in control. So is that what love’s about? Does real love numb pride and thinking capacity? 

Pride

Honestly, numbing pride doesn’t seem so bad. Pride can be detrimental to any relationship. But who says which issues to yield on? I suppose that’s where picking your battles come in. Now can someone define for me where the line between pride and self-respect is? In my opinion it’s a really thin line that may blur when you’re in love. 

Thinking Capacity

The moment that thin line is no longer visible, does your brain power flat-line? No longer do you care about pride so when your mate commits what used to be the unthinkable and serious violation the heart takes over and you’re like “I’ll never let go, Jack” ( in my best Rose from the Titanic voice). I don’t get it!? Again maybe my love button is broken.

I Wonder

Maybe, just maybe, I’m meant to be alone. Don’t misread me, I’m not made of stone. I desire companionship, a teammate, a travel partner, a counter-part (I don’t think we were designed to be alone, although we have the capacity). But at what expense?  Is this “better-half” notion just something people idealize?  Or is it that the idea of love is different from the reality of love?  

Is the reality that, when you’re in love sometimes you’ll be irrational, sometimes you’ll capitulate, sometimes you’ll be a fool, sometimes you bend and bend and bend without breaking? I have to be honest with myself and say I don’t think I was designed to love, none of that sounds appealing to me. I think love maybe one of those things that you have to take the good with the bad.

Deception. Who's at fault?

Deception: The act of causing to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid

Written by Vannique
Illustration by Alexander Keeton


In this world it's all to common to see deception in many facets. Deception in business practices, in relationships; romantic, platonic or otherwise.

So who can cause you to accept something as true although it's false? My answer is: only you, only me, only ourselves.

See in order to be deceived, we must first be aware of the truth. Otherwise, it's not deception. If we never knew the truth to begin with we cant exchange it for what's false. So deception begins only when we know our potential mates aren't the one, when we've seen with our own eyes that this person we consider a friend has 2 faces,  when we were warned about doing business with a company... and have made the conscious or subconscious choice to overlook or pardon any red flags because of our own desires.

Desire: Sometimes Deadly

Our desires are sometimes treacherous being controlled by the heart and all. When our heart really desires something (even when borne out of pure necessity and not foolish wants) whether it's love, true friendship, money.... whatever it may be.. our heart releases a scent of desperation that some are waiting to take advantage of because it quenches their inner desire.

Eve was Deceived

Let us think about Adam and Eve. Eve was deceived. Although she knew for a certainty that she was not to eat from the tree of knowledge, she did anyway. How do we know that she knew better? When questioned about Gods commands regarding it, she replied in harmony with them. She quoted the location of the tree, the name and the trees purpose, that she should not even touch it, and the result if she had. Fully aware of the situation she still allowed herself to be deceived. WHY? Satan told her she would be like God. He even said she would not die. At some point in time Satan noticed the desire in her to be God-like. Its also possible that Satan was counting on Eve having similar desires as him.  Eve allowed herself to trade in what she knew to be truth for a lie.

How unfortunate. We probably think to ourselves... "Not me I know the sky is blue no one could ever convince me its not." And you would be right! Only you could convince yourself to believe the lie.

Correct Me if I'm Wrong but the Color of that Flag is Red.

What should have been a red flag for her? Maybe the fact that a snake was speaking to her. I don't know about you but the moment my dog (who I love dearly) utters one intelligible word to me, I can assure you it won't be a Disney Movie moment.

What about the fact that Satans' information vastly differed from her original information. After all we are talking life and death here. If I receive differing information on a recipe I keep searching until I've reached a sound conclusion. Some recipes aren't forgiving.

So the combination of her hearts desire and ignoring of the red flags were a recipe for disaster.

Relationship Types

Business

Have you already had doubt's about it? Why? Have you noticed any red flags? Maybe the breaking of appointments, the changing of prices, the avoiding of answers, the poor customer service. What keeps you doing business? At this point you've seen all you need to see to know all you need to know. The choice is yours.

A Faux-friendship.

You share your personal details with them. They may even share some with you. You begin to trust this faux-friend only to later be fully aware that they are a foe. How did you miss it? Were they're red flags? Did you ever hear from them things that didn't sit well with you? Most likely so, but you know your definition of friend and what you've seen, despite the feigning of true friendship, is vastly different. The choice is yours.

Romantic Relationship?

We are all guilty of wanting to see the best in someone. Good people look for the good in others and while doing so overlook major flaws and red flags. Flaws and flags that they would readily notice were desire not playing a larger part then logic. Romantic matters of the heart are especially dangerous. Even when all is well, we get caught up in the rapture of it all, swept off our feet, float on air, on cloud nine... All these expressions denote losing touch with reality. If you lose touch with reality in an unhealthy relationship... how dangerous? So many pit-falls!

I feel it safe to say that losing touch with reality and deception, in any situation, are one in the same. Overlooking the known truths and red flags equals: Deception.

Doctors Orders: The Remedy

There is a quote from one of my favorite authors, Dr. Maya Angelou that cures the possibility of deception: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

With that said it bears stating that no one human is perfect and at some point every person will fail to meet your self defined standards or expectations; even when they do love you or mean you no harm. Some may be unaware that they've sent up a red flag. Others purposely send red flags, speak cunningly, and play the game to see how far you will allow them to go.

The job of evaluating a situation in its entirety, comparing it to our set standards and known truths, acknowledging red flags and subtracting our hearts desire, belongs to each individual themselves. If your expecting a deceitful person to come correct your deceiving yourself.

Don't fall for the Bullfrog!

Written by: Vannique

Illustration by: Alexander Keeton

I was recently told that : A bullfrog could be boiled alive and never attempt to jump out so long as the water began at room temperature.

Don't try this at home people! But let's give this a once over.

The frogs natural habitat has water. He's used to getting wet. For him, nothing unusual here. As the water rises slowly to 90° he acclimates. Then another 20° he acclimates. This acclimation continues all the way until the boiling point of 212° F. Now I'm no frog, (Resist the urge!) but I would think at some point it was too hot! But not for Jeremiah the Bullfrog.( I couldn't resist the urge!) Why did he stay? Jeremiah got desensitized to the escalation of his situation. And probably at one point thought to himself..."Mmm...cozy".

"Mmm Cozy" -Famous  Last Words

Now, I don't know if this is true or really just an old wives tale. However, here's one thing I do know : We humans can be just as dim to the severity and possible horrific outcomes when in a worsening situation. Somewhere in the scheme we accept what should be rejected.

The environment or whatever the situation we may be in, may be our norm. Going where we always go., doing what we've always done. Much like the frog in the water.

But is something amiss? Have you suddenly found yourself in your habits or situations accompanied by growing problems? Maybe you'd laid off of a healthy habit that you once had. Let's use the example of exercise. You skip a few days and say to yourself: "Mmmm Comfy". But we all know what happens: 3 days later you gain 50 lbs.

Let's up the stakes a few notches: You're in a longterm relationship, sent from Satan himself and rapidly declining. Somewhere in there you say to yourself: "Mmmm Comfy". You say: "I don't want to be single, I don't want to be solely responsible financially, where will I live? What about the car?" While you're thinking instead of moving, you may be approaching that "boiling point" of no return.

One more notch: A bad habit....pick one, any one, there's plenty to choose from: smoking, overdrinking, illicit drug use, losing your temper ect. These may have been apart of your habitat. They may be your norm. Chances are though you're seen different...even if it was just on TV. If left unrealized and unchecked how much "hot water" can any one of these  get you into.

Change is not "Mmmm Comfy"

Neither is any action you take to get to a higher ground. Jumping out the pot of boiling water, could land you on a hot stove (a difficult situation) yes, it's true. But it can also save your life. Self analysis (asking yourself the hard questions, or others and accepting the cold truth), coupled with making the choice, sticking to that choice and following through will bring positive change. 

The same person who shared this with me pointed out something  else its not enough to just take this thing away from yourself you also have to give yourself something positive in place of the bad habit or situation (even if not just to occupy your time and energy) is the start to change. *** This is not saying go find a person to waste time with that you have no real emotional attachment or possible future with!***

The Lesson In It All

Being complacent in an increasingly worsening situation can cost you your life. Not always in death, but maybe in quality. Seek growth...seek positive change. Don't fall for the bullfrog.

What's Your Problem; Idiom?!

By Vannique

"To every action there's a reaction."  "For every cause there is an effect." So let's say your kids are running through the house; this is the action or cause. While disobeying your rule :"No playing in the house cause you could break something you or me can't afford, fix or replace!" (This includes their necks. ) The kiddos ignore you; and the effect: Knock over your brand new, big screen, hi-def, wi-fi, smart TV with 3D capacity. (I think those exist?) Of course, you opted out of the insurance/replacement plan because of the manufacturers warranty, and when you purchased the TV 10 days ago they said you could add it in 30 days if you changed your mind. 

At the register you thought to yourself "I should probably buy this for an additional $300" then you remember "schools starting and I've got other things to buy we actually need.... Nothing is gonna happen to it" As you recall this fiduciary and mental transaction, during the slow motion run toward the television that has hit the floor in pieces faster than you ever thought possible, You remember something else you learned long ago that you wished you would've recalled at the register: Murphy's Law: Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

So what now?  What's your reaction?  Some of you are just in tears unable to function (Its almost football season! Now how are you gonna see the NY Giants get the 5th ring for 2015? GO BIG BLUE!!)  Some of you are thinking of how best to punish the children. Yet and still others of you are searching for a solution to the current situation.  You're in correct the crisis mode. Analyzing, prioritizing, rationalizing, reasoning. This group realizes the meaning of the idiom: No use of crying over spilled milk. 

Its not that the issue is small. . The point of the idiom, from Vanniques view, is to be solution oriented.  Clean up the milk before it soaks into your carpet and smells of mold and spoiled milk. (More Problems!) Before the milk sets too long on your hardwood floors and ruins the finish! (More Problems!) Before a visitor slips in the milk and sues your pants off.(More Problems!) See my point here? By not being solution oriented then the one problem just expands to more problems. Not fun, trust me.

I firmly believe to every problem there is a solution. Though the solution may not be ideal. Though it may be progressive rather than immediate, therefore requiring patience which for some is difficult to develop; still there is a solution. What if you've run into   something seeming to be a problem that appears to have not a solution. There could be a few reasons why.

1.) You've declined the solution:

You have an answer but it's not ideal. It does nothing for your fancy. It eats at your pride  (which can sometimes be treacherous.) Although it resolves the issue it's not to your liking. So you reject it.

2.)That you've not exhausted all your options or possibilities:

Sometimes we get a one track mind to our problem and only see one way out.  This way of thinking can be an impediment to a solution.  Thinking fast, or fast-tracking to your solution is fine, and sometimes necessary. But at times there is not an obvious solution or a fast track and you've got to think outside of the box. "There is more than one way to skin a cat"....or so I've been told.

Last but not least; a reason to be reckoned with.

3.) It's not a problem at all; it's  an Absolute:

Meaning there  is no "solution". Its the way it is, nothing can change it. I'm not quick to put things in the absolute category because it can create a defeatist attitude, becoming a catch-all to every problem that arises.  Its important to be able to recognize the difference. With that said though this must be said: Absolutes do exist. If there wasn't there would be no "Serenity Prayer." Even with absolutes there are still options: Accept it is one option. Or reject it completely.  This meaning dismiss it, never to be revisited again. I'm not quick to do the latter either. If you're quickly dismissive you may overlook something. 

I feel all problems and absolutes bare scrutiny and analysis, to decide which they are and which road to take.  Scrutiny and analysis mean nothing though, if it's not in a solution oriented manner. So when facing a problem remember these idioms:

"Every cause has and effect."

"For every action there is a reaction." 

"Don't cry over spilled milk."

"For every problem there is a solution."

"There's more than one way to skin a cat."

And

"Some things are absolute."

Kansas City Eats!

Kansas City 

Let's start by saying...this is a  real city. Equipped with all things city:

#1) Traffic; the type where your exit can be less that a half mile in front of you but at 5:00 PM you'll wait no less than a half hour to reach it, the type of traffic where no one uses their signal...and even grandmothers cut in front of you with no regard for insurance rates.

#2)Major league ball teams: Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals. These fans are religious! I don't care where you're coming from or where you're going you WILL see the colors Royal Blue and Chiefs Red.

#3) Restaurants: This is what i really enjoyed! (Pretty girls gotta eat!) I searched for a restaurant that would take the cake..boy did i find it! 

ISLAMORADA (PURPLE ISLAND)A great dining experience it was, from the staff to the service and the food. The manager Jason gave us some background on this little known chain. Its humble  beginnings were in the Florida Keys. There they started only selling 1 item on their menu: A fried Mahi - Mahi sandwich. You can only imagine how great this sandwich is for it to have expanded to several different locations in the US. 

The Fireplace

One of the most appealing features  to the restaurant is the location. This particular location is inside the Bass Pro Shop in Independence KS. From the moment you walk inside until you leave out, even while your dining, the motif commands your attention. This restaurant is adorned with constant reminders of natures beauty,  a 10,000 + gallon fish tank sits behind the bar and has a 360° view of the fish that live inside.  A true sight to see indeed. Upon every wall and even hanging from the ceiling: Real boats, fish, real pictures of families and hunters enjoying nature. Reminiscent of personified lighthouses for sailors the lamps even have character. An 18 foot fireplace helped to cozy the corner that we dined in. It was literally impossible to take a picture of every beautiful thing I saw. Had I attempted this, it would have taken all night. As will talking about the motif.

The View Outside the Patio Dining Area
Lakeside

Ok so realize I'm not a photo journalist! But the idea is to give you an idea...the big picture??? You've gotta get there!!!

So let's move on to the staff: I waited tables for years. This, despite popular belief, is not a job everyone can do well at. Product knowledge, personality and professionalism is key...you do all this while still being a people person. The entire staff  from the manager Jason (who was approachable and professional) to our humble Chefs Ryan & Dylan, and to our server Chrissy (who took great care of us) had every component to make a great dining experience.  Even when our order came back wrong; (Jason don't kill me!) the entire team did not hesitate to make it right in a timely and streamlined manner. (Breathe Jason) Truthfully, it was handled so quickly and professionally it took nothing away from the meal, but it added to the experience. We got to see how they work under pressure. They broke not one stride! I've seen teams fall apart at the minor hiccups. Not this staff! KUDOS to you guys!

Store Manager
Jason

Chrissy
Our Server

Chefs!
Dylan & Ryan

The Food

Bread and Calamari

The best for last. This is what it's all about what the palate says to the brain right? I believe my palates exact words were "Yummy Hmm". To wet the whistle every meal begins with a loaf of bread. .slice of heaven excuse the pun. Seriously good! Think of a soft roll, now combine that with a little sugar on top. ..served with real whipped butter, all i can say is "Oh my!" For an appetizer I ordered the popular Calamari. Seasoned and fried to perfection this appetizer didn't disappoint. Some calamari can leave you desiring more crunch, more flavor, less chew.. these hit the mark. For the main course we had the Grilled Mahi-Mahi (that's served on a bed of seasoned rice served with steamed to order broccoli) & the Cajun Shrimp Pasta(this is Grilled Shrimp over Linguine and Cajun Alfredo  with diced tomatoes and green onions)  To be honest I still cannot decide whether I loved the Mahi which was over this amazing glaze, or the Shrimp Pasta whose sauce was one of the best I've had. I washed  all this down with a tasty Sangria Red wine: full, sweet and served with pineapple, and orange. My mouth is watering now just recounting my meal. Here's what a great meal looks like:

Cajun Shrimp Pasta

Grilled Mahi-Mahi

Sangria

Mouth watering yet????

All-in-all it was a great experience that ignited my sensory system to the max. The location and motif, the fireplace, the lake side patio, the 10,000+ tank, for the eyes. For my sense of smell and taste the delicious dinner: Calamari, Grilled Mahi-Mahi, Cajun Shrimp Pasta. My first time dining at the hidden gem: IslaMorada; a seafood restaurant in the most unexpected place: The Midwest. This was an experience never to be forgotten. So go ahead Kansas City fans wear your Blue and Red... I'll be wearing Purple for a while! Go ISLAMORADA! No, if you happen to find yourself in the Independence area of Kansas City or near any of the other locations... seriously people GO!

http://restaurants.basspro.com/FishCompany/

The Glass is Half Full

Not too long ago, I was thinking the opposite way. I could recount reason after reason to be dissatisfied with life. When you dwell on it enough they can add up and seem insurmountable. That moment in time was a real low point. I had turned into a "Negative Nancy". Every time I looked at the glass I saw it half empty.

Its the worst way to view life. No, I didn't have all my wants. Then I realized that wants are a constant. There will always be another want. It's not greed, it's just facts. Say if you wanted a vacation, so you take one. Could you honestly say that once you return home you'll never want another vacation? Usually if the vacation was good you want go right back! There will always be wants. They will evolve as we do. They will change as we do. You don't want the same things you wanted 10 years ago do you? In short, I realized the meeting of wants are fleeting and are never completely able to be met, as they change and the list has constant additions as we subtract the wants we satisfied.

With help of loved ones, I came to appreciate that I had my needs. And that's what counts. Most needs are universal: food, shelter, and a way to facilitate your needs i.e a job. Admittedly, needs do depend on the person. Personally, I had all I needed to be content. I also realized I was blessed to have more than the bare minimum. I had shelter, a newly built villa, never before leased. I own a car that, at the end of the day, affords me independence. Sure, it's almost 15 years old with over 100,000 miles on it but it's paid for. (Ok well maybe I do need a new car.) All awkwardly truthful jokes aside though, it gets the job done. Lastly, I do have my health. At this very moment I'm with a dear friend visiting her daughter in the hospital. As I watch this family interact in love I remember something that I never want to forget: it could be worse, it can always be worse and for someone, somewhere it is. Undoubtedly someone is hungry, homeless, lacking transportation, lacking gainful employment, lacking family, lacking love, lacking the ability to see a way to fulfill their needs, lacking the will to even live.

Think positive, be grateful and remember it can always be worse.

My glass may be filled with water and not wine. It may be only filled to the halfway line. It may be in a cup of plastic and not glass. "Vannique why is it you smile?" you may ask. Well halfway empty my glass is not...its hallway full, close to being filled to the top. Don't waste time focused on what you have not. Focus on appreciating what you've got.

When's the last time you had a really good time?

November 2014

My best friend, at the time, and I took a trip to my home town, Newark, New Jersey. My father was turning 50 and having a dinner party! It was a blast. Surrounded by family and loved ones, I got to show B. Scott (bestie) a ball in the big city. It wasn't conventional so to speak.  He had never seen the east coast so, of course, he wanted and truthfully I baited him with, Time Square, Greenwich Village, NY City night clubs and Atlantic city. But once we arrived, it was almost impossible. I was only there for 2 nights & 3 days I had to go visit family. That  would take most of the time. Truth be told I needed "tour guides" for the rest of the things I wanted to show my buddy and I thought to myself "How can we fit this all in?"

Well we didn't. The first night B.Scott got to see a little bit of Jersey the local life, but entertaining none the less. While waiting on a food order to feed over 50 people for the night, I saw something I hadn't had in years, and bestie had never had in his life, an Italian Cheeseburger (Google it.) I ordered one for us to split (I still had to fit in my dress the next night!) When the order came up I tossed to B.Scott a greasy brown bag and said "try this, but save me half" he says "you just gonna hand me a greasy brown bag and tell me to eat it?" My response was with confidence "You'll love it."
 Just outside there were city people living city life, the local club had people outside being loud and confrontational, the culture there is very different from where we live. The look on my buddy's face: priceless.  When we got back to my father's house, my father and step-mother, Jacquie, were having a house party. Nobody knows how to party quite like my Dad. I think it's where I got the itch from. Upstairs family and friends are feeding their faces, laughing and talking. Downstairs there was the music, playing cards (spades), the drinks, and more laughter. In the garage more people, more laughter, more drinks, and trash-talking. Where I'm from trash-talking is an art. There's a line you walk and it's a thin one. On one side it's funny, the other it's offensive. It's not for the faint of heart. My Big Brother Malik, and Uncles, (Amir & Phatcat, in particular) and Cousins wasted no time hard pressure testing my dinner date. He passed! The trash-talk flew back and fourth like a Venus & Serena match and in between every volley, outburst of laughter and jeering. That party lasted all night. That's not a figure of speech that's literally to state: people were still there after breakfast who hadn't slept a wink. I'm not one of those people. I went to bed and slept great surrounded by so much love, that sounded like a fraternity party.

The next morning, day 2, I had to make my rounds before the dinner. I visited my aunts and my Grandfather, whom I hadn't seen in years. But time flies when you're having fun... and don't really know your way around. So before we knew it, it was time to get ready for the dinner.

This was no ordinary dinner. It was a $100 a plate event, invitation only, equipped with open bar, gourmet menus, a fabulous DJ, and stunning venue. Ohh let's not forget the photographer who took some amazing memories that some like to call pictures. (One I'm not very proud of). We danced until they shut us down. Once that was over I got separated from my bestie. He was hi-jacked by my brother and his friends who no doubt took him on a  fantastic journey. I didn't see them for a few hours.

Back at Dads more laughter, cards, drinks (as if they hadn't enough) music and memory making. This one was an all-nighter as well. But again not for me. I was awakened by my Father, the next morning, who asked me to take him to the store to buy breakfast for the family, to him friends are family too, so I did. Dad and I walked the store, chatting about the party and picking up a country breakfast for the city folks: bacon, sausage, grits, eggs, biscuits... the works. We arrived back to Dads to find people still awake, to find people just waking up, and dad finally laying down. My Cousin Andre (Drake), his brother Heavy, and Jacquie cooked breakfast. My bestie and my Big Brother were still in recovery from the night before. But after breakfast it was time to go home. Sad indeed, 2 whole days was too short.

On the flight back home I felt a little guilty I hadn't taken him to Times Square, Greenwich Village, Atlantic City... none of the places I baited him with, but he seemed content. I asked him "How was the Italian Cheeseburger?" his response was one word "Fire".

That was the last time I had a really good time. But the point is it didn't take spending lots of money shopping, site-seeing, gambling. Although there's nothing wrong with those things, it took family, love, laughter and that's all it ever takes. So take time to make memories with your loved ones go have a really good time people.

Hey its almost November again! I'm overdue a good time. Well Kansas City here I come!

Shape the Clay

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome" - Hope Floats

I heard this I thought to myself: Is it true? Then I wondered: If so how is it true? Why is it true? Why do these things stick with us?

How is it true?

As children we begin as lumps of clay. Pliable, malleable and impressionable. Childhood interactions, pains, happinesses, successes, failings, friends, our caretakers, our teachers  affect who we will become. Everyone that has a hand in our lives leaves an indelible imprint and shapes us into the adults we are to become. Each interaction molds our thoughts and emotions.

Why is it true?

As children we are powerless to our life and its happenings.  From the moment we are born until we reach the age of independence we are in a state of complete reliance on others for the bare necessities and essentials: food, shelter, clothing as well as mental, emotional and physical security.

Why do they stick with us?

We make the choice to hold onto the defects. Whether consciously or unwittingly, its a decision.

I've heard it said before that someone is "a product of their environment". Can a violent environment only produce a violent product? Can an impoverished environment only produce a poor product? Will an angry or aggressive environment only produce the like? Will a positive environment only produce a positive product? I disagree.

Admittedly, your chances of being shaped by your environment are higher than being shaped after something you've never witnessed or experienced firsthand but does it mean that it's impossible? I feel it's possible. Granted, if you didn't have certain things, it may take more time and effort to understand, to acquire or understand how to acquire what you lacked. But, after independence in its tangible physical form from whatever situation you endured as a child, the next thing you need is mental independence. The ability to think, and more importantly feel beyond your past. To recognize you're free from the mental or emotional bondage you may have endured. The clarity to realize the choice is yours to repeat the treatment, cling to the pain or let go.

You certainly can overcome, any shaping you may have received. Nothing about the shaping makes it permanent. Our decision to embrace the shaping or reject the shaping is the "hard firing". It may be that we have to decide to accept or reject that shaping on a daily basis.

It may be that we realized the defect long after its initiation, it may be we were oblivious to the defect until someone pointed it out. Whatever the case, once we know it's there we can't ignore it. Hard fire new traits, new habits, new outlooks make the choice every day to reshape the clay.

Traveler's Spirit

I've always had a travelers spirit. My first car was a 1991 Geo Metro light blue. I got it in 2002, I was 17 and silly. I took every and any opportunity to ditch school and drive it as far I possibly could. I would get to school before the first bell to fill the car with my close friends and we'd take off. I never took off with any direction to me that was half the fun... a full tank of gas and the radio was all that was needed. Most times my friends and I would end up in no mans land watching cows on a farm or something. But the adventure of it all thrilled me. Not knowing which turn I was going to take or where it would land me. I was fearless. I never felt lost, I had a good internal GPS and was confident in my ability to make it home always. My friends must've trusted me they came along for the ride and asked no questions.

Life's journey is similar in some ways. We never know what's gonna happen from day to day. Even if you have a destination, the road can have many detours.

Some detours can be taxing. Other ones tax free and worth it.

Sometimes our inner GPS in on point. We know exactly where we are headed and are certain we'll make it there. Other times you start out in one direction... Lose your place end up elsewhere and look for help to get back.

I'm not sure if being lost is even an actuality. I think of it more as a state of mind. A state of panic even, you destined on a place... You took wrong turns... Got distracted missed an exit.. Got turned around somehow.. But even if you don't know where you are, you know how you got there, chances are you can get back on track. Granted finding your way back to where you veered off could be harder than the veering itself. I feel though if you make it back on track the chances of you taking a wrong turn this time are slim. You're paying more attention now... you might veer off but you won't stray as far as you did before.. You may need to stop for rest, to regroup and replenish gas and rations... But then rubber meets the road again and your headed to your destination. You'll make it with confidence, fearlessness, being alert of your surroundings, not repeating wrong turns when you do get back on track.

By the time my friends and I would make it back to town. It always felt like we had only been gone for a few moments... Such is life. When you reach where you're supposed to be you want to be able to look at the journey and relish in the memories. Not cringe at the recounting. Don't get lost in that.  Rejoice in life's journey. Find beauty in everything. Treat life with the travelers spirit.

Vannique S.

Whose Drum Is it Anyway ?

When I soul search, I see vast room for improvement. Change can be a good thing. My mother says "There's no growth without change." And I certainly agree with her.  But the change or improvement...what's the goal? Is it to better myself? Is it to impress others? Is it to appease others? Not I said the cat. The improvement I reach for is not so that I can measure up to any other humans' standards. Why? Because humans no matter the lineage, location, or logic, share the same defect: Imperfection. So am I to measure myself by a faulty yard stick? I think not.

I admit walking to the beat of your own tune isn't always socially or even secularly accepted. "I mean really, who do you think you are setting standards for yourself when we set them for you?"...  Sounds ridiculous to me. Or some may feel caged themselves and we know misery loves company.

People have viewed this spirit and see it as, unconventional, and rebellious. I can only conclude they are attempting to do what only the Almighty can do which is: Read the heart, discern intent and judge. We all are given free will, the right to think and feel and act as we so wish.

 To clarify, I'm not against suggestions, or advice. I realize that wisdom is found in seeking counsel of the experienced. However, I take any advice and suggestion with a grain of salt. If i think on it and find it to be useful or beneficial to the personal standard of growth I'm seeking at the time, I implement it. Subversion, anarchy, disembodiment of structure is not the angle. The angle here is mental and emotional freedom... avoiding changing or the dampening of the spirit, implementing advice, simply to match the beat of another's drum, to please them to seek their approval, to clone.

It can't be overlooked though that when you have lipstick on your teeth, you can't see it. And if someone alerts you, don't be stubborn and leave the lipstick,you'll look like a complete fool.  In the same token, if they are displeased with the color of your lipstick, that's not your concern. It's their personal problem. By this I mean, at some point there will be a mirror (suggestion, advice, or something a lot more shocking) held up to you. You'll see the lipstick (character flaw, need for improvement or change). Don't ignore it, don't resent it, that's called help that could save you from serious embarrassment or save your life. But if you picked a color (made a decision, carry on in a manner) that suits you, (not damaging in any way to yourself or others, not illegal) and it's being reviewed, ridiculed and redirected.... think twice even three times. There's a thin line between helping someone and controlling them. Knowing where to draw the line is half the battle.

Hey, if you think this drum is offbeat, keep marching to yours. That's 

the whole idea.

The Single Life….Stinks?

         I wonder if some single people see couples and think “luxury”.  I admit, at one time, I had those thoughts. What I was overlooking is that, like any other luxury, it comes with expense. Once you attain the luxury, at an expense, you have to maintain the luxury; again at more expense. So let’s just say it’s taxing. Constant compromise, co-existing, co-dwelling (let’s face it you never really know someone until you’ve lived with them.) Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying being in a relationship is Hell (although if I had to base it on my last relationship I would be inclined to lean south.) But I am saying relationships aren’t Heaven. Much work and sacrifice goes into maintaining the luxury and keeping it “like new”. By that I’m referring to that fresh feeling of a new relationship. That point in the beginning where even the annoyances, that will ultimately drive you to drink further into the relationship, are tolerable to you.

LIFE WITHOUT THE LUXURY

                I understand that life even if you’re single requires sacrifice, compromise, and even co-existence (work, school, family) but it’s to a measure. So your dinner compromise may sound something like: “Should I have my absolute favorite meal for dinner, or should I have my other absolute favorite meal for dinner?”  Worlds away from: “I’d love to have lasagna tonight but, oh darn my lover is allergic to ricotta cheese.” Some things there’s just no compromising on. (Lasagna is NOT Lasagna without ricotta!)

                But what of other matters: job hours, where you’ll live, when someone will be allowed in your space; (a girl or guy has the right to roam the house naked without unexpected company coming by to watch the game or gossip). What about who will be allowed in your space? It’s almost impossible to adore ALL your mates friends; it’s written somewhere in the luxury handbook. There’s always one of their friends that you’d rather be in the opposite car of you on the caravan trip to Cabo. If I said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Peace is priceless!

FINDING YOUR PEACE

                Peace is a state of tranquility. Can it be achieved in numbers? Absolutely. With work and, I have to admit, expense of energy it can also be achieved on a solitary level.

So where’s your peace? What speaks to you? Is it in work, fashion, gardening, music, writing, exercise, cooking…the options are endless. I can’t think of many more viable positions other than being single, to locate where your peace is found, learn yourself, place value on yourself, build on where you’ve found your peace, expand your mind and horizons without distractions (as we all know relationships can be.)

                 At the risk of blowing my whole theory in half, it’s worth admitting this can also be done with a mate however this growth will be partly shaped by another individual (as if our minds don’t receive shaping from life’s experiences.) In the end being single is also a luxury of sorts, and in time you get what you pay for. Using your single time wisely to invest in yourself will undoubtedly attract the kindred spirit who respects the luxury of inner peace you’ve found. Think hard have you ever seen a toxic couple that were “perfect for one another”? They got what they paid for. Something in the soul attracts another to you. So if you find yourself asking “how do I end up with these losers?!” it's time for soul-searching, after you ditch the loser of course.

STINKS?

             I guess that depends on what smells good to you. To me everything is perspective, still it reduces to one thing: If you’re not happy alone, you’ll probably not be happy with someone. It’s important to be self-sufficient, self-containing, self-confident and self-motivated not to be confused with self-ish. Smells good to me.

Long Distance Relationships

Are they even possible?

There's no way around the fact that tech has changed our lives forever. Technology has afforded some opportunities they've only dreamed of.  It's made our world smaller so to speak while, simultaneously opening our eyes to how big it really is. It's even effected the dating scene. By this I mean you could start or even continue a relationship with distance being a looming factor.

Do I suggest starting a relationship with someone online? Ehhhh that's rough. I mean, you've watched catfish right? We know what's possible, to be honest I personally think that's the best possible outcome on the negative side as the whole world is going crazy. I'm not saying I'm completely against it. I'm saying don't just be careful, be smart.

So, while some of you ponder on whether you online babe in Italy is really a beau with a big belly in Inglewood, the rest of us will focus on previously established relationships that have been thrust into the long-distance category.

Long Distance Loving

So you had to move and for whatever reason your love can't. This is definitely a stressor on any relationship despite the level of devotion to your partner. Surprisingly though, the same rules apply as if you were in the same city. Whatever kept the ball rolling then will keep it rolling with a little more work.

Communication: 

Set up times daily or regularly, whatever works for you both, to speak. Keep this schedule, NOTHING interferes with this time. Whether it's before your day starts, at the end of your day or during lunch. This helps your partner to feel apart of your routine. If for any reason you can't that day be courteous and give advanced notice. Don't allow this to become habitual though. If the chosen communication schedule doesn't work any longer, collectively decide on a new one. Men, yes you, this is not the only time you call your boo. This is just a reserved time, no matter what, that you two talk. So don't shy away from sending random text and unplanned phone calls. Those are the things that let your mate know you still care.

Be thoughtful:

This includes sending e-cards, new music, flowers, candy, not just you fellas, ladies you too. Whatever it is that your man is into as far as hobbies or even work, take an interest and involve yourself. Don't get all overwhelming but if he likes show cars and you seen one, take a pic with it or something of that nature. Or, do you know he likes ball games, buy him tickets to attend a game locally. It's a two way street.

Trust: 

I saw a meme once that said something like: "Trust is fragile like a piece of paper. Once it's crumbled you can try to straighten it out but it's ruined."
So very true. With that said it's important that you don't lie to your partner. Especially those of you who did not relocate. If it's Friday and you're gonna have a night out with friends that's what you tell your mate. Not movie night or any other crap. Why you ask, well besides the fact that lying to your mate is wrong (yes even if you're trying to avoid hurting them or avoid fighting)  it usually causes more problems then it will ever solve. Tell me, what you'll do when it gets to your long distant mate through any social media, or nosey hater, that you weren't eating popcorn in your Pjs? Even if plans changed from popping popcorn to popping bottles, keep your lover in the loop.

Face to Face:

Nothing ever truly substitutes for cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and gazing into each others eyes. So create a plan together if possible that allows for you two to spend actual time together in the physical realm. Avoid, if you can, letting anything interfere. Stick to the plan! If it's every six months then by planning together, saving money together, booking travel arrangements this is a great way to stay in touch.  Anticipation of the visit is like foreplay. Better yet try and plan a getaway together to make the time spent surreal. However if for you I've reached lala land meaning it's just not a viable option then let's thank God for Technology right? There's no shortage of ways to keep in touch, face to face or in the cyber realm and for free at that: Facebook, Twitter,Facetime, What's App, Viber, Skype, Tango (one of my personal favorites because it allows you quality time of sorts to have fun with in-call mini games!)

What's the point?

Yes! It's absolutely possible to sustain a happy long distance relationship. Although it will take more time and effort then a conventional relationship, still it's doable. Remember to communicate regularly, be thoughtful, let your actions promote trust, and try and get as much face to face time in as possible..

Happy long distance loving!

Are Rights Inalienable?

I look around in dissatisfaction and disappointment daily pondering that maybe they never were.

At any moment, if you assert any of your rights (freedom of speech, the right to remain silent, freedom of press) and someone doesn't appreciate that you exercised that right, (word to the wise someone will always take offense) it's hard to determine what could happen.

It is not one type of ethnic group that suffer this reality. I feel, its an entire class. Those who are seen as less powerful, poor, maybe even defenseless, can exercise their rights but they must be prepared to suffer the reality of the disgruntled or the selfish. By selfish I mean those who protect themselves rather then your supposed inalienable right, Ostriches.

People are dying asserting their rights. Truly, this is not a new game. We've just reached a new level. Maybe a level we once believed to have surpassed. To answer the question, in my own opinion of course: Rights are real, they are inalienable and apparently so are the consequences for asserting those "rights".

Assert at your own Risk

Forgiveness

For who?

When your feelings are deeply hurt, how long does it take you to forgive? Or do you forgive at all? I will not pretend it’s an easy thing to do. What I will say is: its necessary.  Forgiving doesn’t make you stupid as some might feel. Think of it this way, daily God forgives us if we are truly repentant. There’s nothing stupid about The Almighty is there? Could you imagine if God held grudges? We would all be in trouble! It’s my belief that if he forgives the repentant on a daily basis, who are we not to forgive one another?

                I didn’t always feel this way. At one time it was hard to forgive, especially if I thought you “knew better.” I would think: “This person doesn’t deserve my forgiveness!” It was my grandmother who cleared it all up for me, she said “Forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for you.” How right she was! I equated being forgiving with being weak.  I equated forgiving with allowing someone to harm me without doing the harm of hating them in return. Thinking about it though if someone could have hurt me that badly in the first place, are they truly the type to care how I feel about them in the next? Truly it’s hard to tell. Not every offense is intentional. Ever heard the phrase “If you knew better, you would do better”? Sadly, they may not know any better.  However, for those that were fully aware, who knew better, it’s not likely they cared to begin with. So by not forgiving them, that emotion you so badly want to plague them with, only plagues you.

                Another thing to consider is, just because you’ve forgiven someone, doesn’t mean, you are required or expected to repair or continue the relationship. It truly depends on how broken it is and if you are willing to risk your heart and energy trusting them once again. To you it may not be worth it. But the freedom that comes from not holding a grudge and not denying yourself the peace of forgiveness is priceless. It’s not for them, it’s for you. Forgive

Calling Fathers & Daughters.

"Father's be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do." John Mayer

It cannot be denied that a woman's outlook on the opposite sex is largely influenced by the caliber of relationship with her Father.

Fathers have the responsibility of showing their daughters the way a man should treat a woman. Fathers, you should be made aware if you are not already, your daughters are watching.  Watching how you treat their mother. Are you unfaithful? If so you send the message that men are unfaithful. Are you verbally or physicality abusive? You may send the message that this behavior can be tolerated in her life. Are you absent? Your daughter may assume every man leaves. It leaves an indelible impression on them. Your affect can have a positive or negative effect on the rest of their lives.

Set a shining example. Think about what you're daughter may accept for her future, what she may fear. Think of the risks she will or won't take to avoid those fears becoming realities.

It takes two parents not just to create them, but to help them become a woman in one piece. Sure a woman can come into her own eventually. The journey however can be painstaking. Give her the proper channel. Take a personal interest in them, protect them, spend time with them, teach them, they need you. Fathers show them, not only, how to love but also how to be loved. Don't neglect your job fathers.

Anger The Prime Impediment to Progress

Looking back on my mere 30 years I can, in all sincerity, say life is short. By no means am I old but if 30 happened in a flash, I’m certain the next 30 will be a blur. Even if I live to be 80 at the rate life passes I can blink and I’ll be 79. I look around and think where has the time gone? Then I do a self-appraisal: what have I done with my time? During my self-appraisal I seen the mistakes of my youth. Still, it wasn’t enough for me to understand that I made them, to know that they were irresponsible, and resolve not to repeat them. I wanted to know why I made them. So I hashed, rehashed, replayed, and came to the realization the problem. It was surprisingly simple, I was angry.

I say this and your thought may be: why did it take you 30 years to realize you were feeling this? Great question! This is not a simple emotion whose only recourse is to be displayed through violence, belligerence, difficulty, and dismay. Those are the moments when anger is in action, it’s peaked and can’t be concealed from your face or anyone else’s. I’m addressing today the undercurrent covered by the still waters stemming from those pivotal, life altering, and rude awakening moments in life that you thought, because you lived through, you had conquered. This type is most perilous. It’s a deceptive, pervasive and permeating spirit. It’s what I refer to as a secondary emotion. People usually experience this type only after they’ve had the experience of the initial emotion: embarrassment, hurt, humiliation, betrayal; to name just a few.

Possibly you endured the initial emotion (embarrassment, hurt, humiliation, betrayal) as a child and hadn’t had the opportunity, the experience or where-with-all to express properly, or even realize and vocalize what you felt to purge yourself of the poison that will soon turn rear its ugly head. Or perhaps your offender is someone you are ready and willing to forgive, have even done so, but haven’t properly addressed the situation. Now here comes resentment, the ugly 1^st cousin. So here we are feeling these initial emotions maybe even simultaneously. What do you think will come next if these emotions continue to fester? Anger.

The most damage is done to the inner person. Anyone who knows me well can tell you my outer spirit was fun, playful, and care-free. I was clueless to that fact that I was angry, to the fact I clung to and made decisions based on it.

Why cling on to it?

It's never intentional. If I had been aware of my position I would have had a starting place for healing. However, anger is very good at hiding in tolerated and all too common emotions of our day like: sarcasm, cynicism, pessimism, being judgmental, emotional detachment, including violence, risky behavior and irresponsibility.  Unfortunately, these have become a coping mechanism; a poor one but one nevertheless.

So what happens with this unchecked and unresolved anger in clever disguise? We pass it along to others, it’s infectious, highly contagious. Our mates, our children, our co-workers, our friends, all get a dose and the cycle continues. As if this isn’t enough, it’s been linked to other health problems: anxiety, heart attack, high blood pressure and the list goes on. In short if left to its devices it can shorten your life span and affect the quality of your relationships. Do you want to die angry and/or alone? Of course not!

I was fortunate enough to realize my predicament and speak to its derivation directly and resolve it. Everyone does not have that opportunity. If you do have the opportunity speak to who you may hold accountable, I encourage it. Realize, of course that as an adult it’s no one else’s responsibility to make your life pleasurable. So don’t expect that. If that’s simply not a possibility, write it down, talk to a loved one, talk to a professional. Just express it, constructively of course! Otherwise once that pressure has mounted you can expect a volcanic eruption. Your aim is to root out the prime impediment to personal progress. This will require an honest assessment of yourself, your past, your hand in the matter, if any.

• Am I angry?
• What’s the real cause for my anger?
• Who am I angry with? (Sometimes you can be angry with yourself.)
• Who should I really be angry with? (Again, it may be you.)

                Realize it is totally possible reach a desired location that you’ve never been too without using a map. Wouldn’t it take more time, resources and leave room for you to get lost without using the map? These questions are the road map to your destination of progress. Don’t misunderstand me a life free from anger is not a perfect one. We live in a system that is not conducive to perfection in our life. No human can change that. Sometimes we will be justifiably angry. Still acknowledging you are angry, identifying who you are angry with, having those hard conversations, unloading the internal baggage can free up the energy you will certainly need in this life to make it through the next 30 years without its negative consequences. 

Life is short don’t spend it angry.

Step-Parenting

Step-Parenting
Dreadful or a Dream Come True

You don't want to give up. You don't want to walk out. You desire nothing more than a peaceful, cohesive, Brady Bunch type of situation. You work hard to provide for children who, if you weren't dating or married to their parents, you have no obligation to. This is the thanks you get? Consistently challenging, deliberately defiant, unambiguously ungrateful and you are unequivocally exhausted. You did not sign up for this you tell yourself.

 However, in reality, you did. Unless these children were sprang on you yesterday when you made a conscious decision to co-habitate with a ready-made family this is the decision you've made. Realistically any biological parent will tell you being a parent is a "thankless but rewarding" position. Your position is really no different. There will be challenges because raising children is not a breeze. But it shouldn't be a hurricane either.

    Let's do some digging into the situation. By no means am I sanctioning a childs, biological or otherwise, disruptive behavior. What I am saying is if they carry on with parents and other relatives in the same manner, people who they should have natural affection for, what sets you apart? You do.

Let's go back to childhood for a moment. Sure, now as an adult with revolving bills and a repetitive work-cycle, it seems like a cake walk to be a child, and it is to a measure, but it takes experience to know that. Children have yet to have those experiences and envy the "freedom" of an adult.

What a Child Sees as Freedom versus the Adult Realities.

Children- I can't wait to be an adult then I can...

"Eat what I want"!
"Go to bed when I want" (and not miss the party they have as soon as I'm asleep!)
"Have nobody telling me what to do."

Grass is always greener right? But children don't realize all adults can't eat what they want, stay up all night and party, or listen to absolutely no one. Not a healthy adult anyhow. (Sorry kids sometimes we do party when you finally go to bed!) Naturally, any type of parent has these "norms" working against them. Let's do some adding up of the external emotions a child could experience.

Insecurity

"You are not here for me. You only love my mother/father."
Now they may not verbalize this, indifference is a far more secure feeling than vulnerability. If the absent biological has, shall we say, split the child may figure, "What makes you any different?"
How does a step-parent combat this? Try developing a personal relationship with the child, free-standing from the bio-parent. Spend time, take a personal interest. But don't force it children have an uncanny ability to pick up an awkward moment or insincerity. Have the conversation, extend the invitation and if it's declined let them know it's an open invitation should they change their mind.

Discipline

It could be tempting to want to help a bio-parent "lay down the law" to an unruly child. Don't take the bait! This is not your position. You unwittingly will perpetuate a hidden, or overt, animosity the child may already feel about you. "Mom or Dad is always siding with him/her." (You).

Here's the resolution: Without the children, you and your mate agree upon desired behaviors and rules for the house as well as appropriate disciplinary actions to take if necessary. Allow the bio-parent to head up a family meeting , explaining the rules and consequences. Here you act in a supporting position. I suggest there be a visible posted copy for the children's reference after the meeting, this promotes accountability and responsibility. So when, yes when; the child will most certainly challenge these boundaries, the child test these waters your only job is to reinforce the rules already in place. Freeing you from the stigma of the evil step-parent.

 Method of Delivery

How easy it can be when being blatantly disrespected to return it in spades. Curb your tendency to mirror the child's behavior. If the adults act like the children, how can you be angry with the children? Usually children pick up the traits displayed in their surroundings. So if the child is irate, sarcastic, and volatile when angered they may be holding up a mirror to your responses when angered. As the adult it's important for you to set the tone and example. This won't be easy all the time. Stay calm, no sarcasm, name calling or yelling. Those things only justify the actions in the child's mind and validates their reasonings.

 What Else???

        Consider too, there may be external factors attributing to the chaos: the absent bio-patent "You don't have to listen to them they aren't  your mom/dad."
        Even worse there may be mutiny afoot; your mate: "Don't be so tough, he's/she is just a kid."
        With the audience of the step-child this undermining could spell shipwreck for all aboard. It's important for the child to always see a united front, or given the chance they will exploit the weakness. Not to say children are evil, but they are manipulative. They have to be in order to get their way at times, they control nothing in their world. This does not mean a child has the wisdom to fully understand how their actions effect the entire household. Then again they may. However you cannot control another human being at all so don't try.

Be realistic.
Offer security.
Set Rules and Support your mate enforcing them.
Stay calm & in control of you.
Patience is key.

 It can be a rewarding experience.