Truth of the Heart

​I’m embarrassed to love you so unselfishly, so shamelessly so very aimlessly. For there lies not a future, not a home for my love, not a rest for my weary heart, overwrought from loving you.

 Overwrought from giving you every ounce of me inside…dying to be with you on the outside. Incessantly outside your reach. Can’t reach your heart. Can’t reach you by phone. Can’t be in your presence… Someone else calls you home. Alone I roam covered in love reserved for only you.

 So embarrassing, because it’s nothing, all my heart and soul, absolutely nothing does it mean to you. I’m ashamed that I’ve carried on, parched, thirsting, for my life my love, untamed yet chained …my flame remains unchanged and you unfazed by my love or my pain, the situation unchanged. I’ve nothing left to lose and at this point nothing either to gain. 

I must be insane for loving you so unrestrained without reward … without a hint of a promise in store… without hope for a future… for being in love on my own…waiting for you but to you I’m not home…

Embarrassed and Ashamed 

Attached and unclaimed 

Delusional, deranged 

Crazy in love

It's Time

Wrap Up 2022

Here comes 2023.

Here I stand with a complete and whole heart?

How can that be?

2022 Certainly tried it's best to undo me.

I came in with my heart broken in Half.

Cut ties with some decade old Friends 
Cut ties with some lifelong Kin...   

A farewell to a Fiancé months before nuptials.

 
I haven't included any trials and test but add them too and long before June.... My heart should've been in many more pieces than 2.

But what have we got here???

I feel renewed
I am at Peace
I am Serene

Happiness suits me despite trials...

 I wear a smile despite my test & YES I know the best is yet to come.
Joy is a constant even when things go wrong, 

&

I realized I needed all of this to make me stronger.

Strength, I have but not alone. I couldn't have done any of this on my own.

Thank God,

 without His guidance...

 I would have been just where the enemy wanted me... broken in 2022.

Here comes 2023.
Here I stand with a complete and whole heart.

Fully Armored
&
Ready for the next chapter to start.

Filthy Flirt

Pictures don't do you justice

And I can't touch this 

cause you say you're in love

but please trust this

if you ever uncuff 

just know 

I can't be everything 

but I'll certainly be enough

an I'll give you the sky and the moon and let you touch it 

I'll get them both dipped in platinum 

Plus diamond crusted

And even on days where you look busted

I'm still gonna buss it

Damn........ look at me hella crushing

And it's almost a better view to look at you

Wheeew

Knocked me right out my shoes

The moment I saw you

I know I'm not wrong ...

You felt the vibe too

Your eyes locked mine At times 

in fact 

quite a few..

What it do???

Oh that's right .no can do

Cause you say you're in love

But I say pull up

And stay till sun up

And fuck me till sunset

But you not ready for that yet..

Let me behave

I'll never get in love way...

But if you drop that bitch tonight ... Call me tomorrow 

K?

Today

I miss you today

& I wish I didn’t.

Nothing to miss,

because

we’ve been finished.

&

you have replenished,

your energy.

Free of me

to love again.

Quickly

you moved along.

How did you forget me?

I envy your savvy

or are you just faking?

Is it real amazing?

That new love

from that stranger?

It’s stranger,

to see you

with someone new

who I know

Don’t know you

quite like I do.

Just admit that

what we had is untouchable.

Nope

you’d rather

work your

muscles and flex

your new

prototype.

She’s cool

But she’s

not me

just

a

cheap carbon copy

A mockery

a giant love to a jockey.

Yes, I am still cocky.

You loved it

when I’d kiss

and sing to your body.

I miss that most.

Can’t find that in everybody.

If I had

just one last

time with you though

love I’m sure

I’d light all my candles

And let all my love adorn you.

Just hold you in my eyes,

Kiss all over your face.

Then place your hand

on my heart

so you can feel

It beats for you still…

My Darling…

Nikki

No Halle Berry

None of us are exempt from lifes challenges and discomforts. Our loved ones die, we get sick, our hearts get broken. These are life's inevitables. (Check your pulse of you haven't experienced at least 1 of the 3...seriously.)

You don't have much control in any of these situations. If  someone passes away, (unless you murdered them) its not in your control.  If you get ill, it's not in your control. If your heart is broken...again...not in your control.

To a measure you can prepare and take precautions to prevent these things. Those actions help but sometimes change nothing at all.
 
I'm in no way comparing the inevitables, they all have their own set of reactions. I want to focus on the reaction to heartbreak.

What a pain felt from heartbreak! Hell we almost feel sick or dying don't we? For some of us it takes time, therapy and lots of ice cream. Others of us are like a determined child...fall off, get right back up and try to ride again. Then, there are those of us who try to move on but internalize everything that happened and blame themselves.. I mean take on the burden of being the reason why something doesn't work out. I want to say to those types:
YOU AIN'T NO HALLE BERRY!
(stay with me)

She is a beautiful, accomplished, filthy stinking rich sex symbol. Unarguably,  one the best in her field.. WHOSE ON HUSBAND NUMBER 3. Now I don't know Halle personally but what I do know is I have yet to meet a man, or woman for that matter, who won't agree that from any angle...in any light... in any movie, from Boomerang to The Call, this woman is a phenomenal. ( It's an understatement really!) Even she is not immune to lifes inevitables. But what does that tell you? Think about it.
What more could one need than  to have the love of someone like her?

Apparently something. But, does  their needs indicate a deficiency in her? Does your exes behavior signify a deficit in you?

No not all. It may feel at first you are to blame. You may think "Had I done this more..or that more..cooked more...dressed better."
If you loved them best you could and you know it... then know this too...Nothing you have done or didn't do would have changed the outcome.

True love is blind.. doesn't care if you can cook..or dress snazzy.

My point is don't take the wrap for it. Dont internalize it. Not only is it not your fault but it's also out of your control. We all possess free will. You can't make someone love you.

People reject God daily... and He is perfect in all HIS ways.

The reality is someone who can lie to you, cheat on you, hurt you, may not love you.  And really do we expect them to? When it's clear those who have this type of appetite are usually insatiable... and suffering from a deep seated insecurity. They are champions at disguising this... And often get a sense of fulfillment from being desired, loved or even coveted.

Believe the almost unbelievable... ITS REALLY NOT YOU. IT'S THEM.

Also realize that it's part of life. Few and truly blessed are those who've never experienced a broken heart. But most are not immune... Not me, not you, none of us...
If it can happen to Halle Berry...it can happen to you...(No shade buuuuut) YOU AIN'T NO HALLE BERRY.

Love is A 14-Piece Puzzle

I sometimes wonder if being in love equals being a fool. Is it the same thing? Every time I’ve had deep emotions for a person and they let me down (as everyone will, because no one is perfect) I regretted ever opening my heart. I look at married couples and honestly very few do I admire. Just about everyone I know who’s married has a grey area. I see or hear something about the marriage and immediately think “No friggin way! I would never put up with that in a million years.” But is the tradeoff being single? Or is there a happy medium anywhere?

I'm aware pride is for the fool. But haven’t you heard that “love is for fools” and” love don’t love nobody?”  Or is my love button broken? Is it me? I truly can’t imagine being a fool for love. Then again, as I look over my past relationships, I have before. However, when I was playing the fool (as we all have at some point in time) I didn’t care! Being with that person meant more to me than the appearance of being in control. So is that what love’s about? Does real love numb pride and thinking capacity? 

Pride

Honestly, numbing pride doesn’t seem so bad. Pride can be detrimental to any relationship. But who says which issues to yield on? I suppose that’s where picking your battles come in. Now can someone define for me where the line between pride and self-respect is? In my opinion it’s a really thin line that may blur when you’re in love. 

Thinking Capacity

The moment that thin line is no longer visible, does your brain power flat-line? No longer do you care about pride so when your mate commits what used to be the unthinkable and serious violation the heart takes over and you’re like “I’ll never let go, Jack” ( in my best Rose from the Titanic voice). I don’t get it!? Again maybe my love button is broken.

I Wonder

Maybe, just maybe, I’m meant to be alone. Don’t misread me, I’m not made of stone. I desire companionship, a teammate, a travel partner, a counter-part (I don’t think we were designed to be alone, although we have the capacity). But at what expense?  Is this “better-half” notion just something people idealize?  Or is it that the idea of love is different from the reality of love?  

Is the reality that, when you’re in love sometimes you’ll be irrational, sometimes you’ll capitulate, sometimes you’ll be a fool, sometimes you bend and bend and bend without breaking? I have to be honest with myself and say I don’t think I was designed to love, none of that sounds appealing to me. I think love maybe one of those things that you have to take the good with the bad.