Truth of the Heart

​I’m embarrassed to love you so unselfishly, so shamelessly so very aimlessly. For there lies not a future, not a home for my love, not a rest for my weary heart, overwrought from loving you.

 Overwrought from giving you every ounce of me inside…dying to be with you on the outside. Incessantly outside your reach. Can’t reach your heart. Can’t reach you by phone. Can’t be in your presence… Someone else calls you home. Alone I roam covered in love reserved for only you.

 So embarrassing, because it’s nothing, all my heart and soul, absolutely nothing does it mean to you. I’m ashamed that I’ve carried on, parched, thirsting, for my life my love, untamed yet chained …my flame remains unchanged and you unfazed by my love or my pain, the situation unchanged. I’ve nothing left to lose and at this point nothing either to gain. 

I must be insane for loving you so unrestrained without reward … without a hint of a promise in store… without hope for a future… for being in love on my own…waiting for you but to you I’m not home…

Embarrassed and Ashamed 

Attached and unclaimed 

Delusional, deranged 

Crazy in love

It's Time

Wrap Up 2022

Here comes 2023.

Here I stand with a complete and whole heart?

How can that be?

2022 Certainly tried it's best to undo me.

I came in with my heart broken in Half.

Cut ties with some decade old Friends 
Cut ties with some lifelong Kin...   

A farewell to a Fiancé months before nuptials.

 
I haven't included any trials and test but add them too and long before June.... My heart should've been in many more pieces than 2.

But what have we got here???

I feel renewed
I am at Peace
I am Serene

Happiness suits me despite trials...

 I wear a smile despite my test & YES I know the best is yet to come.
Joy is a constant even when things go wrong, 

&

I realized I needed all of this to make me stronger.

Strength, I have but not alone. I couldn't have done any of this on my own.

Thank God,

 without His guidance...

 I would have been just where the enemy wanted me... broken in 2022.

Here comes 2023.
Here I stand with a complete and whole heart.

Fully Armored
&
Ready for the next chapter to start.

Filthy Flirt

Pictures don't do you justice

And I can't touch this 

cause you say you're in love

but please trust this

if you ever uncuff 

just know 

I can't be everything 

but I'll certainly be enough

an I'll give you the sky and the moon and let you touch it 

I'll get them both dipped in platinum 

Plus diamond crusted

And even on days where you look busted

I'm still gonna buss it

Damn........ look at me hella crushing

And it's almost a better view to look at you

Wheeew

Knocked me right out my shoes

The moment I saw you

I know I'm not wrong ...

You felt the vibe too

Your eyes locked mine At times 

in fact 

quite a few..

What it do???

Oh that's right .no can do

Cause you say you're in love

But I say pull up

And stay till sun up

And fuck me till sunset

But you not ready for that yet..

Let me behave

I'll never get in love way...

But if you drop that bitch tonight ... Call me tomorrow 

K?

Kissing You

I dreamt of kissing you last night... not once...but a recurring dream... every time I woke up and then closed my eyes... there were your lips... pressed against mine. You were crying tears... I was wiping them away.... I stepped back...you begged me not to pull away... but to stay... Right there in your embrace.... where I could place my lips to yours...more and more you asked me for...

I can't tell you... I'm shy or nervous I guess.. so I'll just post it and hope it reaches your eyes cuz it has reached my mind.
#kisses

Regal

 The rain outside kept me in.

Last week it was the heat.

Long poised strides 

in my element.

Refusing distraction 

from irrelevance. 

Where is my Fire?

Rejecting embellishment

waiving stability

&

emotional intelligence

shaving

non-functional

ornamental adornments...

another's desire.

take these back...

&

Where's my Crown?

Gold leaves

trims the reef.

Crown of Hearts

and Peace

Blue

 Middle Ocean 

Deep

the Still

the Calm

the Crashing Waves

at Dusk

the Quiet Clash

Clap & Splash

at Dawn

supplies my applause.

When you look at the stars

do they scream at you too?

Is whats said in reality

said in Dreams too?

15th floor

had the best view...

I wonder even now..

How is that true?

If only you knew.

Life's intent 

wasn't to confuse.

Still danger hangs,

dangles and swings,

clinging to things that 

your'e fully aware

you cant use.

It's not news

yet  & still 

you 

may be tempted 

to choose.

Neither is that new.

Neither is it just you.

I say keep those 

&

Where is my Robe?

Bare and undressed

Scarred and upset.

The halls are large and

un-swept.

The grass is high and unkempt.

It's 4 am I've not slept.

Indulging in unrest

Is it ok to be good

even without being your best?

Cant breathe out your nose

  with a knee on your neck.

Is it ok to speak

without showing respect?

no smoke no mirrors 

still I reflect...

Where's my Court?

I speak in closed circles 

to my Red Arrow Warriors and Chiefs.

Discuss and prescribe

where the walls are weak.

Reading songs, 

letters, 

proverbs

& prophecies

64 books

research and repeat.

Cry for what?!

I've had my fair share of seriously unhealthy relationships.

They say compromise is key... But what you compromise on is the real focus.

Your values shouldn't be compromised. Your value shouldn't be compromised. (No I didn't repeat myself read it again) You shouldn't expect or accept less in the name of compromise. The moment you do it's no longer compromise it's a chipping away at your dignity and self worth.

I can't count how many times I ended up being the "Tony Montana" (bad guy) all cause I wouldn't be okay with things that weren't okay with me.

Not to say that real love doesn't make you uncomfortable...real love does have it's growing pains... But those pains will not be in your heart...they won't be in the form of public humiliation... they won't be in the form of empty promises... They won't be in the form of lies.

Granted your partner will err...after all no one is perfect.

I used to say I only had 2 deal breakers... Cheat & Beat... Either one you're in the street.

But my how I've grown... After my last "bad romance" I learned that there are darker evils, much more sinister deal breakers than the two I held on to... The creeping slow type...

Ohhh the manipulation..

Here's one truth: Some spirits are broken ... Broken for good... And they just aren't satisfied until they think they've broken yours. You'll be able to spot a broken spirit cause the favorite excuse is ALL THEIR EXES are "crazy". It's the other person's fault they ain't never do nothing. (Double negative heaven)

Really all of them??? Cut it out. 

Another big red flag on the play is LOYALTY... 

This is a 2 way street. 

The first time you REALLY need them and they let you hang.... LET THEM GO. No one who loves you would let you hang. PERIOD

Or are they showing you the same love, respect and kindness in public, around their friends, as they show you in private?  Does it seem that only you know how much they love you? Lol it's cause they don't. Love is shouted from the rooftops!!! Love is shouted from ya droptop while it drip drops rain! 

I'm here to tell you... It's okay to request that someone treat you right. I won't say "the way you think you deserve"... I won't say that because that's primarily the reason you accept what you should protest... You didn't think you deserved any better.

There's the lie... If you doing right you deserve right.... Right doesn't feel like a secret.. and right always feels like progress... 

If they can't get it right it's time you left.

After all what is it that you're holding on to? An idea... An aspiration.. A dream. No what you're holding onto is 

POISONOUS TOXIC ENERGY PERSONIFIED.

Let them go Brev

Let them go Sis

You deserve better

And it's out there. Out there uncompromisingly waiting on a loyal love like you and fighting to find you.

Alot of what I referenced was regards a romance but these principles extend and apply to any relationship. 

Unhealthy energies can creep into any relationship including family and friends.

Beware of the energy you bring;

AND the energy you allow in your space.

Live 

Love

Laugh

& Travel

Love!!! Work with Me

Someone once said:
 "Love is a many splendor-ed thing." 

I've also heard love referred to 
as a five letter word for a female dog. 

The Good Book describes love 
as patient and kind 
bearing all things
 believing all things.

 I know for a certainty 
that's true. 

Why?

 Because God is love. 
The very essence of 
His Majesty is loving. 

So long as you 
are giving His Grace 
something to work with,

 a honest effort, 

 to Him 
you are worthy.

But think back to Bible times...

 when He dispensed punishment 
to different ones. 

He would give ample time 

and He always warned them first.

In my home 
growing up 
that was called: 
"Fair warning".

 You know the speech you got 
about what you better not do again
 or at all, 

accompanied 
with a realistic time table 
and 

it's counterpart 
of what 
you should be doing,
 if you had any sense, 

coupled 
with the outcome 
of punishment
 to be expected should you 
not heed said "fair warning". 

It may have sounded something like: 
"If I come home today 
and find you outside again 
there's gonna be a problem. 
Now if you know what good for you, 
you gonna have these chores completed.... 
Or 
I'm gonna tear you lose from the frame."

Sound familiar?

Anyhow... 

God gave ample time 
and 
fair warning 
to all 
before he would act. 

If they adjusted 
to the proper degree 
then
they were spared His destruction, 

maybe not 
the consequences of their actions,
 but 

He lovingly 
allowed them 
to continue to breathe. 

But 
what if they didn't adjust? 

What if they wasted time...
 didn't heed fair warning 
and 

gave Him nothing to work with? 

Well let's just say 
it was never was pretty.

We are made in His image.

 To be able to display 
and

 feel loving emotions 
for most of us 
is second nature. 

All other virtues like 

kindness, patience, mildness may need 

to be cultivated 
but 
we are certainly capable.

The Good book also 
tells us what love
 is not.. 

not jealous..
 not puffed up with pride..
 it does not brag... 

doesn't seek it's own interests... 
doesn't become provoked, 

doesn't rejoice over unrighteousness.

Is there a relationship 

you are feeding that is 

indicative of what love is not??

Unlike God

 we don't dispense perfect justice 
in the manner of 
destroying or ending a life. 

No. 

Rather, 
if we haven't been given 
anything to work with 

from someone whom we love 
and expect to love us 

after 
ample time 
and fair warning...

we do have the option
to give the love 
to ourselves instead. 

It may be necessary 
to destroy 
or 
end the relationship. 

Or simply
refresh the boundaries of it. 

Feed your soul. 

Do the healing. 

Take a step back.

 Read. 

Meditate. 

Redirect. 

Regroup. 

Reevaluate. 

Revamp. 

Reformulate. 

Redistribute. 

And relax. 

Even The Almighty Himself 

can't make someone, who ought to, 

love Him. 

Neither can you.

Let that marinate for a moment.

Rinse and Repeat.
Then

realize 

it
 may not be personal for you

 or 

possible for them. 

Whatever you do...

do not 

internalize this. 

Question?

Do you think the Lord
 gives pure Love 
then

 blames Himself 
when its not reciprocated?

I doubt that highly!

 Remember

The only thing in this life 
you can control

 is yourself. 

Work with that first 

and foremost. 

True Love WILL follow.

Peace & Blessings

Vannique

Rescinded Invitation

You were there in your decadence.

The opposite of Heaven sent,

you embody and personify maleficent.

Far away from the benevolent

In shock I took you in my eyes. 

Wondering how you arrived.

You took me in 
with your colored glimmers 

& 

Smiled donning the teeth 
I'll always remember 

& 

once admired so dearly. 

I was surprised by you... 
as you were uninvited. 

But unlike then 

I knew 

 I was not safe with you. 

"Leave" 
is what I demanded! 

Then to my front door 
I escorted my old heart. 

Once you stepped out the door

it closed. 

The White Door began to bleed out 

Scarlet and Crimson.

Goodbye

Two of You

There were 2 of you

and only 1 of me.

Cousin Taylor and I sat at a pictureshow very back row. You were with ya crew. Ya crew covered for you. The you that still loves me. They went on lookout for your current lover and called the second you, whose face always frowned at even the thought of me, to come down to the pictureshow so you and I could be alone and talk. We never got the chance to.   Your new lover showed up on a hunt for what's now hers. And even though there were 2 of you. Both of you feared losing the new lover. The new lover never knew there were 2 of you. The you that loved me whispered: "Meet me at your house."  As you left, the you that hated me arrived and I was forced to deal with the evil countenance of it. I couldnt take it. I went home. Not before Cousin Taylor held a mirror to my face and made me aware I looked desperate and foolish. I didn't to her listen and left. It was worse than I imagined. The you that loved me, made way to my house long before me but didn't arrive to me until long after I had and was still too afraid to stay. Everyone who saw you on your way to me would tell your new lover or so the you that loved me thought.  I knew she now meant more to you than I did. Could it be I stayed away too long?  Still I couldn't understand... She didnt match my beauty at all, my love will always be unsurpassed, no ones hurt me more than you and still I loved, nothing compared to our history; the good and the bad of it... and she was even more possesive and out of control than I had ever been.  Couldn't you see her as clear as I could? You said you'd be coming back. You never did. I didn't cry. Funny thing about time it's too busy ticking to stop.

Quell the Rebel

Quell the rebel within

Rain on a roof made of tin

Lullaby it to etermal sleep

Wrap it in peppermint and lavendar linen sheets

Do not dare to weep 

For this is not a loss

not a defeat

Found finally

Unbound to being lost

Absolutely Free of exhaust

The fare paid

The trail laid

Look! Follow the road 

Long ago paved 

Quell the rebel within

Only way to a sure fire win

Peace & Blessings
Vannique

BlackBerry

Sweet Juice

Sugar On My Lips

Drips On My Chin

My Hands Sticky

I Catch It With My Tongue

Stained

My Taste buds Dance Ballet

With The Juice Of A Fruit

Perfect Plie

What A Seductive Taste

Drip Drip

On The Tip Of My Taste buds

Sweet Yet Acidic

Thick Like Fresh Honey After It's Dried

Yet 

Fluid And Wet At The Onset

Can't Get Enough Of The Taste

I've Been Brave

But Now It's Water I Crave

I'd Consume Till I Burst

I'd Consume Till It Hurts

Eat Or Starve

Which Is Worse

A Blackberry Will Never Quench My Thirst

The Wrapup 2018

Pardon my French but...." Quelle putain d'année?!"

 

Like a speeding bullet, it flew by didn't it? And true to the nature of a speeding bullet, to be honest, all I can remember is the painful moments. In my subconscious they far outweighed the prideful moments. However, I remain grateful because the cleansing that resulted from this is phenomenal. Not only the cleansing but the internal reckoning of power, purpose and passion, within myself is incomparable and priceless. I would go through all those trials again in a millisecond to be in the constant state of self awareness that I am blessed to carry into 2019.

The Uncovering

For some reason, in this year it was revealed to me the innate nature of all those I adored. I was surprised to find most of the people I placed a high value upon were well below undeserving.  It felt as if I was at a soiree, draped in my finest attire, smelling of frankincense, myrrh, and lavender. My face painted by the illustrious Sir Prater of Mac Cosmetics. My glass full to the brim with the sweetest of Sangria, my heart full of good intentions, my head inflated with positivity and pure intentions carrying me high above the headwinds and into the thickest of clouds. Then "Down goes Frazier!" I came crashing when it was realized everyone else in attendance with me was in a costume.  There were wolves dressed as sheep, clowns dressed as confidants, assassins clothed in a lovers garb , foes draped with the cloak of family. So never mind what I was wearing! I may as well had been buck naked. The taste of my Sangria soured and my deflated head sent me spiraling back to the earth just as I was halfway to heaven. I came to the realization that baring your soul genuinely is the opposite of freedom in the wrong hands. I was awakened to the fact that I had held in esteem the very hands of those who: reviled in my captivity, who coveted my security and sought to sully my sincerity and tarnish it with either their jaded view of life or jaded view of me.  But not all who launched assault were jaded some knew my nature to be true, and saw me as a target to aim their missles and went on offense. Perhaps a light in me shined too bright for their eyes. Who really knows? I've resigned to not try and figure these ones out. Enough energy has been wasted on them well outside"why and what for." Action was required.

The Separating Shield

Costumes forsaken, I had been attacked by the wolves and the assassins and berated by the clowns when I readjusted my crown and cleared the court. The late Maya Angelou wrote: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." The clearing of negative interference left me a bit empty at first. After all these were not strays or people I just adopted and let in. These were family, dear friends and lovers. People that I felt loved me simply because of how much I loved them. Let me be the first and hopefully the last to tell you: That's not how any of this works! Although I believe it should, it just doesn't. It is not a given that because they are family they will do you right. It is not a given that because you are sincere that they will be. It's not a given that because you will give to them your last dime that they would ever give you a red cent. It is not a fact that because you bend backward they will be impressed enough to move a muscle. It is not a given that because they know better they will do better! Do not ever make those assumptions that would be a fatal mistake. I've never been a pessimistic person and these experiences haven't made me one. If I turned my tuner to a pessimistic channel that would mean they all succeeded in stealing my joy. They did not! What they did do though, is held up a large mirror facing me. In this mirror I was able to see clearly that I hadn't been guarding myself with a complete suit of armor. I was leaving my heart completely exposed. They showed me I had forgot to carry my shield.

 The Ship of Thanks

The intent of these attacks were to chisel away at my buoyant spirit; with the hopeful intent to sink my ship. Instead it carved in me a discerning heart free from naivete. It sculpted a healthy consciousness of self completely free from undue or unworthy self sacrificing. It fashioned a form of energy that will not abide the slighting and cannot tolerate insincerity.

 In short those chisels have created a ship that is sailing into 2019. Yes, Kings and Queens this vessel is sailing into the New Year with no heavy (in every sense of the word) cargo.  And for that I'm grateful! My advice: Look at your vessel is there any cargo weighting you down? I know you may have loaded the cargo for the longhaul but it could be doing more damage on your voyage then it will ever do good once you reach your new fertile ground. Throw it overboard and let it sink to the floor of the sea! True to myself, I was able to find the silver lining and learn from pain. Now I can truly say looking forward with a new pair of glasses... my future looks very bright. 

Sail On
Peace and Blessings
Vannique

Today

I miss you today

& I wish I didn’t.

Nothing to miss,

because

we’ve been finished.

&

you have replenished,

your energy.

Free of me

to love again.

Quickly

you moved along.

How did you forget me?

I envy your savvy

or are you just faking?

Is it real amazing?

That new love

from that stranger?

It’s stranger,

to see you

with someone new

who I know

Don’t know you

quite like I do.

Just admit that

what we had is untouchable.

Nope

you’d rather

work your

muscles and flex

your new

prototype.

She’s cool

But she’s

not me

just

a

cheap carbon copy

A mockery

a giant love to a jockey.

Yes, I am still cocky.

You loved it

when I’d kiss

and sing to your body.

I miss that most.

Can’t find that in everybody.

If I had

just one last

time with you though

love I’m sure

I’d light all my candles

And let all my love adorn you.

Just hold you in my eyes,

Kiss all over your face.

Then place your hand

on my heart

so you can feel

It beats for you still…

My Darling…

Nikki

Poor Babies

                               

                                                       

Painting by: Vitus Shell

What our children must think?

Scrubbing their little black cheeks and praying for pink.

Though they love their skin...

They somehow figured they've sinned...

Being fed to them 

are images of 

a lineage of 

slavery.

And every attempt at positive change, was seen as bravery...

& a threat to the powers that be...

Poor poor babies...

To see the death of innocent men...

To fear those put in place to protect you because of the color of their skin.

Poor babies of all the innocent...

Poor baby to the ignorant...

The ones who don't see that end of the day we are all human...

Poor baby to the mothers in tears...

Poor baby to the Black men living in fear...

Poor baby to the universal earth. Because we groan in pain together...

Waiting for better weather...

And praying to stick together...

Heavier & Heavier the load by the day ..

& some of us stop even wanting to pray because we havent seen change...but don't do that.  It's the only way. 

& even though the sky is blue & the trees green, we see in grey.

Seated in gloom....facing  imminent doom...

Prominent on the horizon coming soon...

Poor black babies

Poor white babies
Poor babies
We all are children.
POOR WORLD.

Kings & Queens

                             

King & Queen thoughts... Heavy lies the head that wears the Crown.... THE KING AND QUEEN CAN HAVE THEIR OWN KINGDOMS FOR INDIVIDUALY THEY ARE STRONG....BUT...The KING DESIRES A QUEEN...AND A QUEEN DESIRES A KING.... Queens  have their needs met by their Kings. KINGS  handle THE KINGDOMS affairs properly and carefully. Always considering those at the mercy of his rule....Especially the Royal Family. The  Monarchs show one another the utmost respect...The Queen is the Kings confidant an source of refreshment. THE Queen is the Kings soft.. supple...sweet dose of intense passion and love. The Queen is His Rest and Reward...The King is the Queens security, provider and protector. They rule their Kingdom Harmoniously, Lovingly with the intent of Championing all they set out to accomplish...in every aspect of Life

Real Love

Loves not real.

Its just an idea

its preconceived notions

mixed with how u feel

how u feel about the person  who ur trying again with

how u feel about the ex who you went through heaven and hell with...

what u see others either conquer or lose..what u see others either cherish or abuse.

Some of u may disagree...im open to listen if you can answer me...

Is it real like wind?...there though you cant see..cant touch it but its influence is seen visibly..

refreshing as a cool breeze..during a still summers night heat. That breeze... refreshing as it may be.. its just a tease sent to please momentarily and quickly it leaves. Then Returns the HEAT.
Even if that breeze carried an irresistible frangrance of Rain...
Heavy in the aire clouds thick and threatening. Tell me is this love thing like rain?

Every drip drop sounds like music to our ears..sweet lyrics catered to your fears...

soothing...moving you to a sound sleep...
but careful dont dream too deep....
careful dont enjoy the fruit... its too sweet...
the moment you taste it you are guaranteed to weep....
its hard waking back up to reality...

Seems to me love is fleeting... not something you get to keep...

Am I right or am i right?  Love just made a left. Im not surprised... Meanwhile I'm stuck at this light. Trying to get my entire life. While I watch my ex take a new "wife".  Did u feel that knife? Is that what loves like? Cant move with no air..like a flat on a bike.. like a concert, no mike..like the night with no pretty bright lites what some call stars...

"What we called ours" ...is this what love is? Speaking in past tense... talking about back when... but as memories fade..it feels like it never happened..

or a distant memory..foggy and jaded..? Was it ever Love if my exes has already faded???

If the whole love ordeal is real ..and not an idea ..then its rarely ideal, and quiclky loosing appeal..yet people are choosing it still....people are ready to try again...ready to heal...ready to feel. Dispite all the pitfalls...despite all the work...despite all the setbacks... unwillingly some people fall...cause deeper the love  the deeper it hurts on that inevitable day it is snatched away...

or revealed that there was never a table for 2... the only one in love is you. Love is for fools.
In my point of view.

-Vannique

What Does Friendship Look Like?

Having a real friend means never being alone, unless by choice. It means having someone to tell your deepest darkest secrets to and knowing its safer than the secrets in Fort Knox.

            It means never having to explain your inner emotions other than detailing, because the moment they see your face, hear your voice, or get in your presence they are so connected to you they know when your aura is off. They know you so well that, before you even respond to a happening they know what you will say, feel, think. 

           Friendship means support: emotional, mental, spiritually even. It means having someone to tell you truth even when you don't want to hear it but need to hear it. True friendship means loyalty, openness, love, honesty, dependability. It means open dialogue at any time of day, in any season, for any reason.

          I've always valued my friendly relationships and tried to display these qualities. That value came from being a Navy brat. Moving around a lot never promoted stability in a friendship. In fact what I learned, is that all relationships are temporary, even good ones. It's the lesson I took away from it even if its not true.

         I do know it's not true. I see people with friends from diapers, since they were 5 or 12 years old, long-term friendships. These relationships should be highly valued and those in them should consider yourselves

very fortunate and blessed. There are some who don't have that and have no idea what it feels like in a human to human factor.

          For those who don't have that and feel empty or alone I want to say:
YOU DO HAVE THAT FRIEND. 

        God is really all the friend you need. He hits every mark even down to the open dialogue through His word the Bible. There's no better friend to have, truly. Not a stronger one. Not one more willing or capeable to help in times of distress. Don't overlook that.

That's my sermon for today.
Have a good weekend!