Cry for what?!

I've had my fair share of seriously unhealthy relationships.

They say compromise is key... But what you compromise on is the real focus.

Your values shouldn't be compromised. Your value shouldn't be compromised. (No I didn't repeat myself read it again) You shouldn't expect or accept less in the name of compromise. The moment you do it's no longer compromise it's a chipping away at your dignity and self worth.

I can't count how many times I ended up being the "Tony Montana" (bad guy) all cause I wouldn't be okay with things that weren't okay with me.

Not to say that real love doesn't make you uncomfortable...real love does have it's growing pains... But those pains will not be in your heart...they won't be in the form of public humiliation... they won't be in the form of empty promises... They won't be in the form of lies.

Granted your partner will err...after all no one is perfect.

I used to say I only had 2 deal breakers... Cheat & Beat... Either one you're in the street.

But my how I've grown... After my last "bad romance" I learned that there are darker evils, much more sinister deal breakers than the two I held on to... The creeping slow type...

Ohhh the manipulation..

Here's one truth: Some spirits are broken ... Broken for good... And they just aren't satisfied until they think they've broken yours. You'll be able to spot a broken spirit cause the favorite excuse is ALL THEIR EXES are "crazy". It's the other person's fault they ain't never do nothing. (Double negative heaven)

Really all of them??? Cut it out. 

Another big red flag on the play is LOYALTY... 

This is a 2 way street. 

The first time you REALLY need them and they let you hang.... LET THEM GO. No one who loves you would let you hang. PERIOD

Or are they showing you the same love, respect and kindness in public, around their friends, as they show you in private?  Does it seem that only you know how much they love you? Lol it's cause they don't. Love is shouted from the rooftops!!! Love is shouted from ya droptop while it drip drops rain! 

I'm here to tell you... It's okay to request that someone treat you right. I won't say "the way you think you deserve"... I won't say that because that's primarily the reason you accept what you should protest... You didn't think you deserved any better.

There's the lie... If you doing right you deserve right.... Right doesn't feel like a secret.. and right always feels like progress... 

If they can't get it right it's time you left.

After all what is it that you're holding on to? An idea... An aspiration.. A dream. No what you're holding onto is 

POISONOUS TOXIC ENERGY PERSONIFIED.

Let them go Brev

Let them go Sis

You deserve better

And it's out there. Out there uncompromisingly waiting on a loyal love like you and fighting to find you.

Alot of what I referenced was regards a romance but these principles extend and apply to any relationship. 

Unhealthy energies can creep into any relationship including family and friends.

Beware of the energy you bring;

AND the energy you allow in your space.

Live 

Love

Laugh

& Travel

Love!!! Work with Me

Someone once said:
 "Love is a many splendor-ed thing." 

I've also heard love referred to 
as a five letter word for a female dog. 

The Good Book describes love 
as patient and kind 
bearing all things
 believing all things.

 I know for a certainty 
that's true. 

Why?

 Because God is love. 
The very essence of 
His Majesty is loving. 

So long as you 
are giving His Grace 
something to work with,

 a honest effort, 

 to Him 
you are worthy.

But think back to Bible times...

 when He dispensed punishment 
to different ones. 

He would give ample time 

and He always warned them first.

In my home 
growing up 
that was called: 
"Fair warning".

 You know the speech you got 
about what you better not do again
 or at all, 

accompanied 
with a realistic time table 
and 

it's counterpart 
of what 
you should be doing,
 if you had any sense, 

coupled 
with the outcome 
of punishment
 to be expected should you 
not heed said "fair warning". 

It may have sounded something like: 
"If I come home today 
and find you outside again 
there's gonna be a problem. 
Now if you know what good for you, 
you gonna have these chores completed.... 
Or 
I'm gonna tear you lose from the frame."

Sound familiar?

Anyhow... 

God gave ample time 
and 
fair warning 
to all 
before he would act. 

If they adjusted 
to the proper degree 
then
they were spared His destruction, 

maybe not 
the consequences of their actions,
 but 

He lovingly 
allowed them 
to continue to breathe. 

But 
what if they didn't adjust? 

What if they wasted time...
 didn't heed fair warning 
and 

gave Him nothing to work with? 

Well let's just say 
it was never was pretty.

We are made in His image.

 To be able to display 
and

 feel loving emotions 
for most of us 
is second nature. 

All other virtues like 

kindness, patience, mildness may need 

to be cultivated 
but 
we are certainly capable.

The Good book also 
tells us what love
 is not.. 

not jealous..
 not puffed up with pride..
 it does not brag... 

doesn't seek it's own interests... 
doesn't become provoked, 

doesn't rejoice over unrighteousness.

Is there a relationship 

you are feeding that is 

indicative of what love is not??

Unlike God

 we don't dispense perfect justice 
in the manner of 
destroying or ending a life. 

No. 

Rather, 
if we haven't been given 
anything to work with 

from someone whom we love 
and expect to love us 

after 
ample time 
and fair warning...

we do have the option
to give the love 
to ourselves instead. 

It may be necessary 
to destroy 
or 
end the relationship. 

Or simply
refresh the boundaries of it. 

Feed your soul. 

Do the healing. 

Take a step back.

 Read. 

Meditate. 

Redirect. 

Regroup. 

Reevaluate. 

Revamp. 

Reformulate. 

Redistribute. 

And relax. 

Even The Almighty Himself 

can't make someone, who ought to, 

love Him. 

Neither can you.

Let that marinate for a moment.

Rinse and Repeat.
Then

realize 

it
 may not be personal for you

 or 

possible for them. 

Whatever you do...

do not 

internalize this. 

Question?

Do you think the Lord
 gives pure Love 
then

 blames Himself 
when its not reciprocated?

I doubt that highly!

 Remember

The only thing in this life 
you can control

 is yourself. 

Work with that first 

and foremost. 

True Love WILL follow.

Peace & Blessings

Vannique

Growth

People can change.

 Not everyone will believe in the fact that you are different. 

Some may even attempt dragging you backward or provoking you into negativity...

Why?

 Because it's they themselves 

who are stuck. 

KEEP GOING 

KEEP GROWING.

Raining Petals

It was raining red and pink petals of roses, when I requested your company in the carriage. Strong was the scent of the beautiful blossoms.

You held my hand tightly, tightly as I paid for our horse and carriage. Squeezing it afraid to return to the confusion of our past, wondering if it would hurt... If this time it would last... I offered comfort and assurance this was just a way home. 

We would dine and dance; only tonight not alone. 

Of course I love you! But only as a friend. We were children wishing  before now... but not ever again. 

People from our past watched as we fell into our oh so natural groove. Knowing each other too well with nothing to prove. I ordered your food. You chose my dessert. We danced so very close... with temptation it seemed we did flirt...but we knew for a certainty no future was involved we enjoyed our time as the moon revolved. 

The clock began to strike here came the end of night. We walked slowly to the carriage...You whispered in my ear a secret. I promised to keep it. Just know I felt the same. 

TEMPLE CLEAN

Golden Temple India

TEMPLE CLEAN

At the house of your estranged, dead wife I dined. My mother and I were welcomed to stay as long as we wanted or so the invitation read. At the door a knock. I stand to look out of the peephole. Now my stomach turns.  Two scantily clad women then you. You in all your misery... stumbling.. smiling... enjoying the decadence of your debauchery. Your presence is unexpected and unwelcome. Now the doorbell. Look at the smile you wear. Disgusted I ask "What brings you here?" Recognizing the voice of the little girl whose body you violated, whose trust you earned so very undeserved, whose life you turned upside and out with your perversion...  your smile widens. My stomach stopped turning and rage began burning. I now realized... You are the devil... it wasn't the action of violating my body that thrilled you...it was the action of corrupting my soul...not the tarnishing of my temple... but the rusting of its contents was your true pleasure. If it's contents were destroyed by vandals and scandal then it could be a home for any old transient, derelict and harlot. From your point of view it would make your type worthy of entry. I opened the door. Did you somehow believe that little girl was still I...all these years later? Did you think that the single bullet remaining in my .38 wasn't especially reserved for you? Where'd your smile go after I pulled the trigger and let the pistol blow? Your women didn't weep. Your women didn't run.  They took decent clothes from their bags, dressed, smiled and turned away. My mother runs to the door. Behind me I hear her voice: "What have you done sweet child of mine?" My response as I stepped over your lifeless body gripping her right hand while the left covered her face in shock: "The world a favor." Your smile vanished as did the tarnish of my temple as did the corruption of it's contents...as did the pain of the memories. 

The Wrapup 2018

Pardon my French but...." Quelle putain d'année?!"

 

Like a speeding bullet, it flew by didn't it? And true to the nature of a speeding bullet, to be honest, all I can remember is the painful moments. In my subconscious they far outweighed the prideful moments. However, I remain grateful because the cleansing that resulted from this is phenomenal. Not only the cleansing but the internal reckoning of power, purpose and passion, within myself is incomparable and priceless. I would go through all those trials again in a millisecond to be in the constant state of self awareness that I am blessed to carry into 2019.

The Uncovering

For some reason, in this year it was revealed to me the innate nature of all those I adored. I was surprised to find most of the people I placed a high value upon were well below undeserving.  It felt as if I was at a soiree, draped in my finest attire, smelling of frankincense, myrrh, and lavender. My face painted by the illustrious Sir Prater of Mac Cosmetics. My glass full to the brim with the sweetest of Sangria, my heart full of good intentions, my head inflated with positivity and pure intentions carrying me high above the headwinds and into the thickest of clouds. Then "Down goes Frazier!" I came crashing when it was realized everyone else in attendance with me was in a costume.  There were wolves dressed as sheep, clowns dressed as confidants, assassins clothed in a lovers garb , foes draped with the cloak of family. So never mind what I was wearing! I may as well had been buck naked. The taste of my Sangria soured and my deflated head sent me spiraling back to the earth just as I was halfway to heaven. I came to the realization that baring your soul genuinely is the opposite of freedom in the wrong hands. I was awakened to the fact that I had held in esteem the very hands of those who: reviled in my captivity, who coveted my security and sought to sully my sincerity and tarnish it with either their jaded view of life or jaded view of me.  But not all who launched assault were jaded some knew my nature to be true, and saw me as a target to aim their missles and went on offense. Perhaps a light in me shined too bright for their eyes. Who really knows? I've resigned to not try and figure these ones out. Enough energy has been wasted on them well outside"why and what for." Action was required.

The Separating Shield

Costumes forsaken, I had been attacked by the wolves and the assassins and berated by the clowns when I readjusted my crown and cleared the court. The late Maya Angelou wrote: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." The clearing of negative interference left me a bit empty at first. After all these were not strays or people I just adopted and let in. These were family, dear friends and lovers. People that I felt loved me simply because of how much I loved them. Let me be the first and hopefully the last to tell you: That's not how any of this works! Although I believe it should, it just doesn't. It is not a given that because they are family they will do you right. It is not a given that because you are sincere that they will be. It's not a given that because you will give to them your last dime that they would ever give you a red cent. It is not a fact that because you bend backward they will be impressed enough to move a muscle. It is not a given that because they know better they will do better! Do not ever make those assumptions that would be a fatal mistake. I've never been a pessimistic person and these experiences haven't made me one. If I turned my tuner to a pessimistic channel that would mean they all succeeded in stealing my joy. They did not! What they did do though, is held up a large mirror facing me. In this mirror I was able to see clearly that I hadn't been guarding myself with a complete suit of armor. I was leaving my heart completely exposed. They showed me I had forgot to carry my shield.

 The Ship of Thanks

The intent of these attacks were to chisel away at my buoyant spirit; with the hopeful intent to sink my ship. Instead it carved in me a discerning heart free from naivete. It sculpted a healthy consciousness of self completely free from undue or unworthy self sacrificing. It fashioned a form of energy that will not abide the slighting and cannot tolerate insincerity.

 In short those chisels have created a ship that is sailing into 2019. Yes, Kings and Queens this vessel is sailing into the New Year with no heavy (in every sense of the word) cargo.  And for that I'm grateful! My advice: Look at your vessel is there any cargo weighting you down? I know you may have loaded the cargo for the longhaul but it could be doing more damage on your voyage then it will ever do good once you reach your new fertile ground. Throw it overboard and let it sink to the floor of the sea! True to myself, I was able to find the silver lining and learn from pain. Now I can truly say looking forward with a new pair of glasses... my future looks very bright. 

Sail On
Peace and Blessings
Vannique

Today

I miss you today

& I wish I didn’t.

Nothing to miss,

because

we’ve been finished.

&

you have replenished,

your energy.

Free of me

to love again.

Quickly

you moved along.

How did you forget me?

I envy your savvy

or are you just faking?

Is it real amazing?

That new love

from that stranger?

It’s stranger,

to see you

with someone new

who I know

Don’t know you

quite like I do.

Just admit that

what we had is untouchable.

Nope

you’d rather

work your

muscles and flex

your new

prototype.

She’s cool

But she’s

not me

just

a

cheap carbon copy

A mockery

a giant love to a jockey.

Yes, I am still cocky.

You loved it

when I’d kiss

and sing to your body.

I miss that most.

Can’t find that in everybody.

If I had

just one last

time with you though

love I’m sure

I’d light all my candles

And let all my love adorn you.

Just hold you in my eyes,

Kiss all over your face.

Then place your hand

on my heart

so you can feel

It beats for you still…

My Darling…

Nikki

Solitude is My Fortitude

Solitude is my Fortitude-Vannique written @ Deep Sea

No Halle Berry

None of us are exempt from lifes challenges and discomforts. Our loved ones die, we get sick, our hearts get broken. These are life's inevitables. (Check your pulse of you haven't experienced at least 1 of the 3...seriously.)

You don't have much control in any of these situations. If  someone passes away, (unless you murdered them) its not in your control.  If you get ill, it's not in your control. If your heart is broken...again...not in your control.

To a measure you can prepare and take precautions to prevent these things. Those actions help but sometimes change nothing at all.
 
I'm in no way comparing the inevitables, they all have their own set of reactions. I want to focus on the reaction to heartbreak.

What a pain felt from heartbreak! Hell we almost feel sick or dying don't we? For some of us it takes time, therapy and lots of ice cream. Others of us are like a determined child...fall off, get right back up and try to ride again. Then, there are those of us who try to move on but internalize everything that happened and blame themselves.. I mean take on the burden of being the reason why something doesn't work out. I want to say to those types:
YOU AIN'T NO HALLE BERRY!
(stay with me)

She is a beautiful, accomplished, filthy stinking rich sex symbol. Unarguably,  one the best in her field.. WHOSE ON HUSBAND NUMBER 3. Now I don't know Halle personally but what I do know is I have yet to meet a man, or woman for that matter, who won't agree that from any angle...in any light... in any movie, from Boomerang to The Call, this woman is a phenomenal. ( It's an understatement really!) Even she is not immune to lifes inevitables. But what does that tell you? Think about it.
What more could one need than  to have the love of someone like her?

Apparently something. But, does  their needs indicate a deficiency in her? Does your exes behavior signify a deficit in you?

No not all. It may feel at first you are to blame. You may think "Had I done this more..or that more..cooked more...dressed better."
If you loved them best you could and you know it... then know this too...Nothing you have done or didn't do would have changed the outcome.

True love is blind.. doesn't care if you can cook..or dress snazzy.

My point is don't take the wrap for it. Dont internalize it. Not only is it not your fault but it's also out of your control. We all possess free will. You can't make someone love you.

People reject God daily... and He is perfect in all HIS ways.

The reality is someone who can lie to you, cheat on you, hurt you, may not love you.  And really do we expect them to? When it's clear those who have this type of appetite are usually insatiable... and suffering from a deep seated insecurity. They are champions at disguising this... And often get a sense of fulfillment from being desired, loved or even coveted.

Believe the almost unbelievable... ITS REALLY NOT YOU. IT'S THEM.

Also realize that it's part of life. Few and truly blessed are those who've never experienced a broken heart. But most are not immune... Not me, not you, none of us...
If it can happen to Halle Berry...it can happen to you...(No shade buuuuut) YOU AIN'T NO HALLE BERRY.

Deception. Who's at fault?

Deception: The act of causing to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid

Written by Vannique
Illustration by Alexander Keeton


In this world it's all to common to see deception in many facets. Deception in business practices, in relationships; romantic, platonic or otherwise.

So who can cause you to accept something as true although it's false? My answer is: only you, only me, only ourselves.

See in order to be deceived, we must first be aware of the truth. Otherwise, it's not deception. If we never knew the truth to begin with we cant exchange it for what's false. So deception begins only when we know our potential mates aren't the one, when we've seen with our own eyes that this person we consider a friend has 2 faces,  when we were warned about doing business with a company... and have made the conscious or subconscious choice to overlook or pardon any red flags because of our own desires.

Desire: Sometimes Deadly

Our desires are sometimes treacherous being controlled by the heart and all. When our heart really desires something (even when borne out of pure necessity and not foolish wants) whether it's love, true friendship, money.... whatever it may be.. our heart releases a scent of desperation that some are waiting to take advantage of because it quenches their inner desire.

Eve was Deceived

Let us think about Adam and Eve. Eve was deceived. Although she knew for a certainty that she was not to eat from the tree of knowledge, she did anyway. How do we know that she knew better? When questioned about Gods commands regarding it, she replied in harmony with them. She quoted the location of the tree, the name and the trees purpose, that she should not even touch it, and the result if she had. Fully aware of the situation she still allowed herself to be deceived. WHY? Satan told her she would be like God. He even said she would not die. At some point in time Satan noticed the desire in her to be God-like. Its also possible that Satan was counting on Eve having similar desires as him.  Eve allowed herself to trade in what she knew to be truth for a lie.

How unfortunate. We probably think to ourselves... "Not me I know the sky is blue no one could ever convince me its not." And you would be right! Only you could convince yourself to believe the lie.

Correct Me if I'm Wrong but the Color of that Flag is Red.

What should have been a red flag for her? Maybe the fact that a snake was speaking to her. I don't know about you but the moment my dog (who I love dearly) utters one intelligible word to me, I can assure you it won't be a Disney Movie moment.

What about the fact that Satans' information vastly differed from her original information. After all we are talking life and death here. If I receive differing information on a recipe I keep searching until I've reached a sound conclusion. Some recipes aren't forgiving.

So the combination of her hearts desire and ignoring of the red flags were a recipe for disaster.

Relationship Types

Business

Have you already had doubt's about it? Why? Have you noticed any red flags? Maybe the breaking of appointments, the changing of prices, the avoiding of answers, the poor customer service. What keeps you doing business? At this point you've seen all you need to see to know all you need to know. The choice is yours.

A Faux-friendship.

You share your personal details with them. They may even share some with you. You begin to trust this faux-friend only to later be fully aware that they are a foe. How did you miss it? Were they're red flags? Did you ever hear from them things that didn't sit well with you? Most likely so, but you know your definition of friend and what you've seen, despite the feigning of true friendship, is vastly different. The choice is yours.

Romantic Relationship?

We are all guilty of wanting to see the best in someone. Good people look for the good in others and while doing so overlook major flaws and red flags. Flaws and flags that they would readily notice were desire not playing a larger part then logic. Romantic matters of the heart are especially dangerous. Even when all is well, we get caught up in the rapture of it all, swept off our feet, float on air, on cloud nine... All these expressions denote losing touch with reality. If you lose touch with reality in an unhealthy relationship... how dangerous? So many pit-falls!

I feel it safe to say that losing touch with reality and deception, in any situation, are one in the same. Overlooking the known truths and red flags equals: Deception.

Doctors Orders: The Remedy

There is a quote from one of my favorite authors, Dr. Maya Angelou that cures the possibility of deception: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

With that said it bears stating that no one human is perfect and at some point every person will fail to meet your self defined standards or expectations; even when they do love you or mean you no harm. Some may be unaware that they've sent up a red flag. Others purposely send red flags, speak cunningly, and play the game to see how far you will allow them to go.

The job of evaluating a situation in its entirety, comparing it to our set standards and known truths, acknowledging red flags and subtracting our hearts desire, belongs to each individual themselves. If your expecting a deceitful person to come correct your deceiving yourself.

Don't fall for the Bullfrog!

Written by: Vannique

Illustration by: Alexander Keeton

I was recently told that : A bullfrog could be boiled alive and never attempt to jump out so long as the water began at room temperature.

Don't try this at home people! But let's give this a once over.

The frogs natural habitat has water. He's used to getting wet. For him, nothing unusual here. As the water rises slowly to 90° he acclimates. Then another 20° he acclimates. This acclimation continues all the way until the boiling point of 212° F. Now I'm no frog, (Resist the urge!) but I would think at some point it was too hot! But not for Jeremiah the Bullfrog.( I couldn't resist the urge!) Why did he stay? Jeremiah got desensitized to the escalation of his situation. And probably at one point thought to himself..."Mmm...cozy".

"Mmm Cozy" -Famous  Last Words

Now, I don't know if this is true or really just an old wives tale. However, here's one thing I do know : We humans can be just as dim to the severity and possible horrific outcomes when in a worsening situation. Somewhere in the scheme we accept what should be rejected.

The environment or whatever the situation we may be in, may be our norm. Going where we always go., doing what we've always done. Much like the frog in the water.

But is something amiss? Have you suddenly found yourself in your habits or situations accompanied by growing problems? Maybe you'd laid off of a healthy habit that you once had. Let's use the example of exercise. You skip a few days and say to yourself: "Mmmm Comfy". But we all know what happens: 3 days later you gain 50 lbs.

Let's up the stakes a few notches: You're in a longterm relationship, sent from Satan himself and rapidly declining. Somewhere in there you say to yourself: "Mmmm Comfy". You say: "I don't want to be single, I don't want to be solely responsible financially, where will I live? What about the car?" While you're thinking instead of moving, you may be approaching that "boiling point" of no return.

One more notch: A bad habit....pick one, any one, there's plenty to choose from: smoking, overdrinking, illicit drug use, losing your temper ect. These may have been apart of your habitat. They may be your norm. Chances are though you're seen different...even if it was just on TV. If left unrealized and unchecked how much "hot water" can any one of these  get you into.

Change is not "Mmmm Comfy"

Neither is any action you take to get to a higher ground. Jumping out the pot of boiling water, could land you on a hot stove (a difficult situation) yes, it's true. But it can also save your life. Self analysis (asking yourself the hard questions, or others and accepting the cold truth), coupled with making the choice, sticking to that choice and following through will bring positive change. 

The same person who shared this with me pointed out something  else its not enough to just take this thing away from yourself you also have to give yourself something positive in place of the bad habit or situation (even if not just to occupy your time and energy) is the start to change. *** This is not saying go find a person to waste time with that you have no real emotional attachment or possible future with!***

The Lesson In It All

Being complacent in an increasingly worsening situation can cost you your life. Not always in death, but maybe in quality. Seek growth...seek positive change. Don't fall for the bullfrog.

What's Your Problem; Idiom?!

By Vannique

"To every action there's a reaction."  "For every cause there is an effect." So let's say your kids are running through the house; this is the action or cause. While disobeying your rule :"No playing in the house cause you could break something you or me can't afford, fix or replace!" (This includes their necks. ) The kiddos ignore you; and the effect: Knock over your brand new, big screen, hi-def, wi-fi, smart TV with 3D capacity. (I think those exist?) Of course, you opted out of the insurance/replacement plan because of the manufacturers warranty, and when you purchased the TV 10 days ago they said you could add it in 30 days if you changed your mind. 

At the register you thought to yourself "I should probably buy this for an additional $300" then you remember "schools starting and I've got other things to buy we actually need.... Nothing is gonna happen to it" As you recall this fiduciary and mental transaction, during the slow motion run toward the television that has hit the floor in pieces faster than you ever thought possible, You remember something else you learned long ago that you wished you would've recalled at the register: Murphy's Law: Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

So what now?  What's your reaction?  Some of you are just in tears unable to function (Its almost football season! Now how are you gonna see the NY Giants get the 5th ring for 2015? GO BIG BLUE!!)  Some of you are thinking of how best to punish the children. Yet and still others of you are searching for a solution to the current situation.  You're in correct the crisis mode. Analyzing, prioritizing, rationalizing, reasoning. This group realizes the meaning of the idiom: No use of crying over spilled milk. 

Its not that the issue is small. . The point of the idiom, from Vanniques view, is to be solution oriented.  Clean up the milk before it soaks into your carpet and smells of mold and spoiled milk. (More Problems!) Before the milk sets too long on your hardwood floors and ruins the finish! (More Problems!) Before a visitor slips in the milk and sues your pants off.(More Problems!) See my point here? By not being solution oriented then the one problem just expands to more problems. Not fun, trust me.

I firmly believe to every problem there is a solution. Though the solution may not be ideal. Though it may be progressive rather than immediate, therefore requiring patience which for some is difficult to develop; still there is a solution. What if you've run into   something seeming to be a problem that appears to have not a solution. There could be a few reasons why.

1.) You've declined the solution:

You have an answer but it's not ideal. It does nothing for your fancy. It eats at your pride  (which can sometimes be treacherous.) Although it resolves the issue it's not to your liking. So you reject it.

2.)That you've not exhausted all your options or possibilities:

Sometimes we get a one track mind to our problem and only see one way out.  This way of thinking can be an impediment to a solution.  Thinking fast, or fast-tracking to your solution is fine, and sometimes necessary. But at times there is not an obvious solution or a fast track and you've got to think outside of the box. "There is more than one way to skin a cat"....or so I've been told.

Last but not least; a reason to be reckoned with.

3.) It's not a problem at all; it's  an Absolute:

Meaning there  is no "solution". Its the way it is, nothing can change it. I'm not quick to put things in the absolute category because it can create a defeatist attitude, becoming a catch-all to every problem that arises.  Its important to be able to recognize the difference. With that said though this must be said: Absolutes do exist. If there wasn't there would be no "Serenity Prayer." Even with absolutes there are still options: Accept it is one option. Or reject it completely.  This meaning dismiss it, never to be revisited again. I'm not quick to do the latter either. If you're quickly dismissive you may overlook something. 

I feel all problems and absolutes bare scrutiny and analysis, to decide which they are and which road to take.  Scrutiny and analysis mean nothing though, if it's not in a solution oriented manner. So when facing a problem remember these idioms:

"Every cause has and effect."

"For every action there is a reaction." 

"Don't cry over spilled milk."

"For every problem there is a solution."

"There's more than one way to skin a cat."

And

"Some things are absolute."

The Glass is Half Full

Not too long ago, I was thinking the opposite way. I could recount reason after reason to be dissatisfied with life. When you dwell on it enough they can add up and seem insurmountable. That moment in time was a real low point. I had turned into a "Negative Nancy". Every time I looked at the glass I saw it half empty.

Its the worst way to view life. No, I didn't have all my wants. Then I realized that wants are a constant. There will always be another want. It's not greed, it's just facts. Say if you wanted a vacation, so you take one. Could you honestly say that once you return home you'll never want another vacation? Usually if the vacation was good you want go right back! There will always be wants. They will evolve as we do. They will change as we do. You don't want the same things you wanted 10 years ago do you? In short, I realized the meeting of wants are fleeting and are never completely able to be met, as they change and the list has constant additions as we subtract the wants we satisfied.

With help of loved ones, I came to appreciate that I had my needs. And that's what counts. Most needs are universal: food, shelter, and a way to facilitate your needs i.e a job. Admittedly, needs do depend on the person. Personally, I had all I needed to be content. I also realized I was blessed to have more than the bare minimum. I had shelter, a newly built villa, never before leased. I own a car that, at the end of the day, affords me independence. Sure, it's almost 15 years old with over 100,000 miles on it but it's paid for. (Ok well maybe I do need a new car.) All awkwardly truthful jokes aside though, it gets the job done. Lastly, I do have my health. At this very moment I'm with a dear friend visiting her daughter in the hospital. As I watch this family interact in love I remember something that I never want to forget: it could be worse, it can always be worse and for someone, somewhere it is. Undoubtedly someone is hungry, homeless, lacking transportation, lacking gainful employment, lacking family, lacking love, lacking the ability to see a way to fulfill their needs, lacking the will to even live.

Think positive, be grateful and remember it can always be worse.

My glass may be filled with water and not wine. It may be only filled to the halfway line. It may be in a cup of plastic and not glass. "Vannique why is it you smile?" you may ask. Well halfway empty my glass is not...its hallway full, close to being filled to the top. Don't waste time focused on what you have not. Focus on appreciating what you've got.

Shape the Clay

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome" - Hope Floats

I heard this I thought to myself: Is it true? Then I wondered: If so how is it true? Why is it true? Why do these things stick with us?

How is it true?

As children we begin as lumps of clay. Pliable, malleable and impressionable. Childhood interactions, pains, happinesses, successes, failings, friends, our caretakers, our teachers  affect who we will become. Everyone that has a hand in our lives leaves an indelible imprint and shapes us into the adults we are to become. Each interaction molds our thoughts and emotions.

Why is it true?

As children we are powerless to our life and its happenings.  From the moment we are born until we reach the age of independence we are in a state of complete reliance on others for the bare necessities and essentials: food, shelter, clothing as well as mental, emotional and physical security.

Why do they stick with us?

We make the choice to hold onto the defects. Whether consciously or unwittingly, its a decision.

I've heard it said before that someone is "a product of their environment". Can a violent environment only produce a violent product? Can an impoverished environment only produce a poor product? Will an angry or aggressive environment only produce the like? Will a positive environment only produce a positive product? I disagree.

Admittedly, your chances of being shaped by your environment are higher than being shaped after something you've never witnessed or experienced firsthand but does it mean that it's impossible? I feel it's possible. Granted, if you didn't have certain things, it may take more time and effort to understand, to acquire or understand how to acquire what you lacked. But, after independence in its tangible physical form from whatever situation you endured as a child, the next thing you need is mental independence. The ability to think, and more importantly feel beyond your past. To recognize you're free from the mental or emotional bondage you may have endured. The clarity to realize the choice is yours to repeat the treatment, cling to the pain or let go.

You certainly can overcome, any shaping you may have received. Nothing about the shaping makes it permanent. Our decision to embrace the shaping or reject the shaping is the "hard firing". It may be that we have to decide to accept or reject that shaping on a daily basis.

It may be that we realized the defect long after its initiation, it may be we were oblivious to the defect until someone pointed it out. Whatever the case, once we know it's there we can't ignore it. Hard fire new traits, new habits, new outlooks make the choice every day to reshape the clay.

Whose Drum Is it Anyway ?

When I soul search, I see vast room for improvement. Change can be a good thing. My mother says "There's no growth without change." And I certainly agree with her.  But the change or improvement...what's the goal? Is it to better myself? Is it to impress others? Is it to appease others? Not I said the cat. The improvement I reach for is not so that I can measure up to any other humans' standards. Why? Because humans no matter the lineage, location, or logic, share the same defect: Imperfection. So am I to measure myself by a faulty yard stick? I think not.

I admit walking to the beat of your own tune isn't always socially or even secularly accepted. "I mean really, who do you think you are setting standards for yourself when we set them for you?"...  Sounds ridiculous to me. Or some may feel caged themselves and we know misery loves company.

People have viewed this spirit and see it as, unconventional, and rebellious. I can only conclude they are attempting to do what only the Almighty can do which is: Read the heart, discern intent and judge. We all are given free will, the right to think and feel and act as we so wish.

 To clarify, I'm not against suggestions, or advice. I realize that wisdom is found in seeking counsel of the experienced. However, I take any advice and suggestion with a grain of salt. If i think on it and find it to be useful or beneficial to the personal standard of growth I'm seeking at the time, I implement it. Subversion, anarchy, disembodiment of structure is not the angle. The angle here is mental and emotional freedom... avoiding changing or the dampening of the spirit, implementing advice, simply to match the beat of another's drum, to please them to seek their approval, to clone.

It can't be overlooked though that when you have lipstick on your teeth, you can't see it. And if someone alerts you, don't be stubborn and leave the lipstick,you'll look like a complete fool.  In the same token, if they are displeased with the color of your lipstick, that's not your concern. It's their personal problem. By this I mean, at some point there will be a mirror (suggestion, advice, or something a lot more shocking) held up to you. You'll see the lipstick (character flaw, need for improvement or change). Don't ignore it, don't resent it, that's called help that could save you from serious embarrassment or save your life. But if you picked a color (made a decision, carry on in a manner) that suits you, (not damaging in any way to yourself or others, not illegal) and it's being reviewed, ridiculed and redirected.... think twice even three times. There's a thin line between helping someone and controlling them. Knowing where to draw the line is half the battle.

Hey, if you think this drum is offbeat, keep marching to yours. That's 

the whole idea.

Long Distance Relationships

Are they even possible?

There's no way around the fact that tech has changed our lives forever. Technology has afforded some opportunities they've only dreamed of.  It's made our world smaller so to speak while, simultaneously opening our eyes to how big it really is. It's even effected the dating scene. By this I mean you could start or even continue a relationship with distance being a looming factor.

Do I suggest starting a relationship with someone online? Ehhhh that's rough. I mean, you've watched catfish right? We know what's possible, to be honest I personally think that's the best possible outcome on the negative side as the whole world is going crazy. I'm not saying I'm completely against it. I'm saying don't just be careful, be smart.

So, while some of you ponder on whether you online babe in Italy is really a beau with a big belly in Inglewood, the rest of us will focus on previously established relationships that have been thrust into the long-distance category.

Long Distance Loving

So you had to move and for whatever reason your love can't. This is definitely a stressor on any relationship despite the level of devotion to your partner. Surprisingly though, the same rules apply as if you were in the same city. Whatever kept the ball rolling then will keep it rolling with a little more work.

Communication: 

Set up times daily or regularly, whatever works for you both, to speak. Keep this schedule, NOTHING interferes with this time. Whether it's before your day starts, at the end of your day or during lunch. This helps your partner to feel apart of your routine. If for any reason you can't that day be courteous and give advanced notice. Don't allow this to become habitual though. If the chosen communication schedule doesn't work any longer, collectively decide on a new one. Men, yes you, this is not the only time you call your boo. This is just a reserved time, no matter what, that you two talk. So don't shy away from sending random text and unplanned phone calls. Those are the things that let your mate know you still care.

Be thoughtful:

This includes sending e-cards, new music, flowers, candy, not just you fellas, ladies you too. Whatever it is that your man is into as far as hobbies or even work, take an interest and involve yourself. Don't get all overwhelming but if he likes show cars and you seen one, take a pic with it or something of that nature. Or, do you know he likes ball games, buy him tickets to attend a game locally. It's a two way street.

Trust: 

I saw a meme once that said something like: "Trust is fragile like a piece of paper. Once it's crumbled you can try to straighten it out but it's ruined."
So very true. With that said it's important that you don't lie to your partner. Especially those of you who did not relocate. If it's Friday and you're gonna have a night out with friends that's what you tell your mate. Not movie night or any other crap. Why you ask, well besides the fact that lying to your mate is wrong (yes even if you're trying to avoid hurting them or avoid fighting)  it usually causes more problems then it will ever solve. Tell me, what you'll do when it gets to your long distant mate through any social media, or nosey hater, that you weren't eating popcorn in your Pjs? Even if plans changed from popping popcorn to popping bottles, keep your lover in the loop.

Face to Face:

Nothing ever truly substitutes for cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and gazing into each others eyes. So create a plan together if possible that allows for you two to spend actual time together in the physical realm. Avoid, if you can, letting anything interfere. Stick to the plan! If it's every six months then by planning together, saving money together, booking travel arrangements this is a great way to stay in touch.  Anticipation of the visit is like foreplay. Better yet try and plan a getaway together to make the time spent surreal. However if for you I've reached lala land meaning it's just not a viable option then let's thank God for Technology right? There's no shortage of ways to keep in touch, face to face or in the cyber realm and for free at that: Facebook, Twitter,Facetime, What's App, Viber, Skype, Tango (one of my personal favorites because it allows you quality time of sorts to have fun with in-call mini games!)

What's the point?

Yes! It's absolutely possible to sustain a happy long distance relationship. Although it will take more time and effort then a conventional relationship, still it's doable. Remember to communicate regularly, be thoughtful, let your actions promote trust, and try and get as much face to face time in as possible..

Happy long distance loving!