The Single Life….Stinks?

         I wonder if some single people see couples and think “luxury”.  I admit, at one time, I had those thoughts. What I was overlooking is that, like any other luxury, it comes with expense. Once you attain the luxury, at an expense, you have to maintain the luxury; again at more expense. So let’s just say it’s taxing. Constant compromise, co-existing, co-dwelling (let’s face it you never really know someone until you’ve lived with them.) Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying being in a relationship is Hell (although if I had to base it on my last relationship I would be inclined to lean south.) But I am saying relationships aren’t Heaven. Much work and sacrifice goes into maintaining the luxury and keeping it “like new”. By that I’m referring to that fresh feeling of a new relationship. That point in the beginning where even the annoyances, that will ultimately drive you to drink further into the relationship, are tolerable to you.

LIFE WITHOUT THE LUXURY

                I understand that life even if you’re single requires sacrifice, compromise, and even co-existence (work, school, family) but it’s to a measure. So your dinner compromise may sound something like: “Should I have my absolute favorite meal for dinner, or should I have my other absolute favorite meal for dinner?”  Worlds away from: “I’d love to have lasagna tonight but, oh darn my lover is allergic to ricotta cheese.” Some things there’s just no compromising on. (Lasagna is NOT Lasagna without ricotta!)

                But what of other matters: job hours, where you’ll live, when someone will be allowed in your space; (a girl or guy has the right to roam the house naked without unexpected company coming by to watch the game or gossip). What about who will be allowed in your space? It’s almost impossible to adore ALL your mates friends; it’s written somewhere in the luxury handbook. There’s always one of their friends that you’d rather be in the opposite car of you on the caravan trip to Cabo. If I said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Peace is priceless!

FINDING YOUR PEACE

                Peace is a state of tranquility. Can it be achieved in numbers? Absolutely. With work and, I have to admit, expense of energy it can also be achieved on a solitary level.

So where’s your peace? What speaks to you? Is it in work, fashion, gardening, music, writing, exercise, cooking…the options are endless. I can’t think of many more viable positions other than being single, to locate where your peace is found, learn yourself, place value on yourself, build on where you’ve found your peace, expand your mind and horizons without distractions (as we all know relationships can be.)

                 At the risk of blowing my whole theory in half, it’s worth admitting this can also be done with a mate however this growth will be partly shaped by another individual (as if our minds don’t receive shaping from life’s experiences.) In the end being single is also a luxury of sorts, and in time you get what you pay for. Using your single time wisely to invest in yourself will undoubtedly attract the kindred spirit who respects the luxury of inner peace you’ve found. Think hard have you ever seen a toxic couple that were “perfect for one another”? They got what they paid for. Something in the soul attracts another to you. So if you find yourself asking “how do I end up with these losers?!” it's time for soul-searching, after you ditch the loser of course.

STINKS?

             I guess that depends on what smells good to you. To me everything is perspective, still it reduces to one thing: If you’re not happy alone, you’ll probably not be happy with someone. It’s important to be self-sufficient, self-containing, self-confident and self-motivated not to be confused with self-ish. Smells good to me.

Forgiveness

For who?

When your feelings are deeply hurt, how long does it take you to forgive? Or do you forgive at all? I will not pretend it’s an easy thing to do. What I will say is: its necessary.  Forgiving doesn’t make you stupid as some might feel. Think of it this way, daily God forgives us if we are truly repentant. There’s nothing stupid about The Almighty is there? Could you imagine if God held grudges? We would all be in trouble! It’s my belief that if he forgives the repentant on a daily basis, who are we not to forgive one another?

                I didn’t always feel this way. At one time it was hard to forgive, especially if I thought you “knew better.” I would think: “This person doesn’t deserve my forgiveness!” It was my grandmother who cleared it all up for me, she said “Forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for you.” How right she was! I equated being forgiving with being weak.  I equated forgiving with allowing someone to harm me without doing the harm of hating them in return. Thinking about it though if someone could have hurt me that badly in the first place, are they truly the type to care how I feel about them in the next? Truly it’s hard to tell. Not every offense is intentional. Ever heard the phrase “If you knew better, you would do better”? Sadly, they may not know any better.  However, for those that were fully aware, who knew better, it’s not likely they cared to begin with. So by not forgiving them, that emotion you so badly want to plague them with, only plagues you.

                Another thing to consider is, just because you’ve forgiven someone, doesn’t mean, you are required or expected to repair or continue the relationship. It truly depends on how broken it is and if you are willing to risk your heart and energy trusting them once again. To you it may not be worth it. But the freedom that comes from not holding a grudge and not denying yourself the peace of forgiveness is priceless. It’s not for them, it’s for you. Forgive

Calling Fathers & Daughters.

"Father's be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do." John Mayer

It cannot be denied that a woman's outlook on the opposite sex is largely influenced by the caliber of relationship with her Father.

Fathers have the responsibility of showing their daughters the way a man should treat a woman. Fathers, you should be made aware if you are not already, your daughters are watching.  Watching how you treat their mother. Are you unfaithful? If so you send the message that men are unfaithful. Are you verbally or physicality abusive? You may send the message that this behavior can be tolerated in her life. Are you absent? Your daughter may assume every man leaves. It leaves an indelible impression on them. Your affect can have a positive or negative effect on the rest of their lives.

Set a shining example. Think about what you're daughter may accept for her future, what she may fear. Think of the risks she will or won't take to avoid those fears becoming realities.

It takes two parents not just to create them, but to help them become a woman in one piece. Sure a woman can come into her own eventually. The journey however can be painstaking. Give her the proper channel. Take a personal interest in them, protect them, spend time with them, teach them, they need you. Fathers show them, not only, how to love but also how to be loved. Don't neglect your job fathers.

Anger The Prime Impediment to Progress

Looking back on my mere 30 years I can, in all sincerity, say life is short. By no means am I old but if 30 happened in a flash, I’m certain the next 30 will be a blur. Even if I live to be 80 at the rate life passes I can blink and I’ll be 79. I look around and think where has the time gone? Then I do a self-appraisal: what have I done with my time? During my self-appraisal I seen the mistakes of my youth. Still, it wasn’t enough for me to understand that I made them, to know that they were irresponsible, and resolve not to repeat them. I wanted to know why I made them. So I hashed, rehashed, replayed, and came to the realization the problem. It was surprisingly simple, I was angry.

I say this and your thought may be: why did it take you 30 years to realize you were feeling this? Great question! This is not a simple emotion whose only recourse is to be displayed through violence, belligerence, difficulty, and dismay. Those are the moments when anger is in action, it’s peaked and can’t be concealed from your face or anyone else’s. I’m addressing today the undercurrent covered by the still waters stemming from those pivotal, life altering, and rude awakening moments in life that you thought, because you lived through, you had conquered. This type is most perilous. It’s a deceptive, pervasive and permeating spirit. It’s what I refer to as a secondary emotion. People usually experience this type only after they’ve had the experience of the initial emotion: embarrassment, hurt, humiliation, betrayal; to name just a few.

Possibly you endured the initial emotion (embarrassment, hurt, humiliation, betrayal) as a child and hadn’t had the opportunity, the experience or where-with-all to express properly, or even realize and vocalize what you felt to purge yourself of the poison that will soon turn rear its ugly head. Or perhaps your offender is someone you are ready and willing to forgive, have even done so, but haven’t properly addressed the situation. Now here comes resentment, the ugly 1^st cousin. So here we are feeling these initial emotions maybe even simultaneously. What do you think will come next if these emotions continue to fester? Anger.

The most damage is done to the inner person. Anyone who knows me well can tell you my outer spirit was fun, playful, and care-free. I was clueless to that fact that I was angry, to the fact I clung to and made decisions based on it.

Why cling on to it?

It's never intentional. If I had been aware of my position I would have had a starting place for healing. However, anger is very good at hiding in tolerated and all too common emotions of our day like: sarcasm, cynicism, pessimism, being judgmental, emotional detachment, including violence, risky behavior and irresponsibility.  Unfortunately, these have become a coping mechanism; a poor one but one nevertheless.

So what happens with this unchecked and unresolved anger in clever disguise? We pass it along to others, it’s infectious, highly contagious. Our mates, our children, our co-workers, our friends, all get a dose and the cycle continues. As if this isn’t enough, it’s been linked to other health problems: anxiety, heart attack, high blood pressure and the list goes on. In short if left to its devices it can shorten your life span and affect the quality of your relationships. Do you want to die angry and/or alone? Of course not!

I was fortunate enough to realize my predicament and speak to its derivation directly and resolve it. Everyone does not have that opportunity. If you do have the opportunity speak to who you may hold accountable, I encourage it. Realize, of course that as an adult it’s no one else’s responsibility to make your life pleasurable. So don’t expect that. If that’s simply not a possibility, write it down, talk to a loved one, talk to a professional. Just express it, constructively of course! Otherwise once that pressure has mounted you can expect a volcanic eruption. Your aim is to root out the prime impediment to personal progress. This will require an honest assessment of yourself, your past, your hand in the matter, if any.

• Am I angry?
• What’s the real cause for my anger?
• Who am I angry with? (Sometimes you can be angry with yourself.)
• Who should I really be angry with? (Again, it may be you.)

                Realize it is totally possible reach a desired location that you’ve never been too without using a map. Wouldn’t it take more time, resources and leave room for you to get lost without using the map? These questions are the road map to your destination of progress. Don’t misunderstand me a life free from anger is not a perfect one. We live in a system that is not conducive to perfection in our life. No human can change that. Sometimes we will be justifiably angry. Still acknowledging you are angry, identifying who you are angry with, having those hard conversations, unloading the internal baggage can free up the energy you will certainly need in this life to make it through the next 30 years without its negative consequences. 

Life is short don’t spend it angry.

Coping with Co-workers

How was your day at work? It could have been great if it weren’t for Karen.* Karen the workplace bully makes every day of the work week a Monday, and much longer than it has to be. Day after day you tolerate snide comments, constant complaining, unwanted input, and unwelcome humor (which is really a guise to be sarcastic). You want nothing more than to help a nice lemon meringue pie navigate its way to Karen’s entire face. You’re smiling right now picturing it aren’t you? Trust me, I am too. But we all know, unless the job is sponsoring a pie throwing event, it’s just not an option.  So what can you do? Here’s what I did.

                I started a new job last summer. I fell in love with it. It was just my speed, detailed enough to keep me interested, climate controlled, great benefits, pay…meh, however I was in need, this job met my needs and quickly became my career path. There was only one thing was stopping me from enjoying my daily routine, my workplace bully, Karen. A passive-aggressive, snarky, and underhanded co-worker. Highly skilled at her bullying craft to boot. On one occasion, it was concluded, she had taken a pertinent file and hid it on my desk to go to the recycle bin. I have to admit, we have a bit of a generational gap. Though, I share that gap with two other co-workers that never make me want ring their bell. Nevertheless after 9 months, the whole situation come to boil. The morale and teamwork had suffered. The situation was truly out of hand; the team had split almost down the middle. I had to do something.

I was curious, was it me? Have I upset the groove? I did some research and realized 2 people had left my department because of Karen’s antics. So while I was grateful that the workplace bully’s tactics eventually lead to my being gainfully employed, I was determined to not be the next victim.  Admittedly I did not use the most professional tactic initially. I tried the “Back Off” Tactic.  I plainly asked her “Do you ever get tired of being evil? Or does Satan recharge your battery every night?” The look on her face, priceless. Still I wasn’t satisfied. Had I helped the situation or have I hurt it? Hurt it of course!

                The object is not to get them back. The object is to rise above the childish behavior, while calling them to a higher place. So what next? I used my resources, good advice in the first few months of employment there prompted me to document everything including dates times and eye witnesses. With that information I filed a formal complaint with the Human Resources Department. I also requested a mediation, which she declined. So although, that didn’t work for me it showed my co-workers as well as superiors I was willing to resolve any issues.

Next I began to be very direct. This is not a simple trait to develop. People are so used to trying to be kind they forget to be real. While saying something to the affect of, “Excuse me this is a private conversation, do you mind?” can come off as rude it’s not. You’ve used your manners and requested them to do the same. It may not be welcomed, but what you’ve done is set a healthy boundary. The key to being direct is to find a middle ground in your tone, light years away from sarcasm and discourtesies. Be sincere not passive aggressive.

 Lastly I apologized. Sure, in my mind I felt justified in my tongue lashing after 9 month of “professional purgatory”. I wasn’t. In the professional world stay professional. It sets you apart from the Karens in the office and allows your true colors to shine. Surprisingly enough she apologized as well. After the apology the office had a lighter air to it. To keep the air light, I didn’t engage with Karen any longer, unless we had to work a case together. Work-life is sweet now. Did my actions change her? Absolutely not. She is still very much a disruptive distraction to productivity and peace. On the other hand my actions have changed my outlook and my response to her actions.

What’s the moral to the story?

1.       Do your research, know who you’re dealing with.

2.       Document everything:  times, dates, people present; every detail is useful.

3.       Use your resources: Human Resources, Your supervisor. This is why they get paid the big bucks to deal with the headaches that you shouldn’t have to tolerate.

4.       Set healthy boundaries: Instead of joining in on the negative behavior, no matter how tempting, rise above it and stay professional.

5.       Apologize for your part: A simple sincere apology can go a long way to improve the situation.

6.       Don’t engage: Know that all your actions haven’t changed this person for good. So be realistic and navigate around them if possible. If you have to engage, remember, stay professional.

If none of those things work I know a great Lemon Meringue Pie Recipe.

*Name changed to protect identity

5 Signs you may need to let go of your relationship.

Ever had a love that you compare every single one after that to? It seems no one can match up. They were perfect for you in every way. Wake up your dreaming! There's a reason why he/she is an EX.

For those of us still in a slumber of dreamland. Here are 5 signs that can help you decide whether you want to keep going or is it time for you to wake up?

5 Signs

1. You cry more than you smile

There will always be rough times in a relationships. Real love stands these test by coming together and making it through. No one on earth is perfect. So how can we expect the relationship to be? However, if your relationship consist of mostly tears, not tears of joy, then maybe you should take a time out. Love is difficult yes but it shouldn't hurt more than it heals.

2. You're stagnant

Have you made any progress in your personal or professional life? Did you have dreams ideas and aspirations that have gone nowhere? This could be a sign. Your mate should support your dreams, even if your head is in the clouds, they should to be there supporting you. Sometimes support is bringing you back to earth.

3. Friends are desensitized

So you visit your best friend to tell him/her of the most recent drama and they don't even blink, flinch, or budge. This means they are used the drama that ensues between you two. You should be worried when your friends aren't worried. It's a sign they have given up on your train of thought. They are exhausted as you probably should be.

4. When you are together you feel alone

You rush to your mate to share the most exciting news, only to receive a half-hearted "That's great". Or you sit down for a dinner and there's only the sound of silverware grazing the plates. Are you feeling like you are not in a relationship? Maybe you aren't.

5. The actions don’t reflect the words

Someone’s actions can speak volumes. Louder than words right? So if you’re hearing I love you, I need you,  I don’t want anyone but you, you complete me or you had me at hello but you are eye witnessing something completely different this a sure sign. 

 Here's the Deal

Love is an emotion, a strong, potent, intoxicating, invisible, entity that we can see the effects of even though we can’t hold it in our hands. Much like the wind you feel the cool breeze when it blows but when it stops, you can feel the difference.

Now unless you hit 1-5 on here don’t just call it quits with your lover. Communication is key. Have a real conversation, if possible, about improving the relationship, adding spice adding adventure, bringing the spark back, afford them a chance, if nothing changes after that, then sell the farm and hit the highway! Single Life here you Come!

Is Your Bestfriend Boycrazy?

We've all got that best friend who is pure genius. Intelligent, driven, accomplished, professional, and when it comes you your friendship, knows what to say,just when to say it and even knows how to say it. You say to yourself "Self, I'm so fortunate to have him/her as a friend."  You even attempt to give the same genuine love, care and advice when you can, except when it comes to RELATIONSHIPS...its like they lose their whole entire mind! "Who is this idiot?" You can find yourself thinking: "This is not my best friend." Yes, yes it is. This is your friend on love, or something like it.
So wrapped up in the idea of someone loving them romantically they do, say and allow some of the most outlandish things to transpire. Where do you come in? Be careful! While you may want to be a supportive listening ear, who is honest, that is not always what your friend is looking for.

HONESTY OR NAH?

Being too honest: "Of course you should be worried he/she admitted to being prone to cheat! " and they may just reject you and your honesty, feeling like you're calling them stupid, judging him/her and their choice to continue the relationship. Regular rules don't apply here.

 However, if you're too aloof you run the risk of your bestie feeling as if you're not interested or invested in his/her happiness. So what should you do? This depends on how well you know your bff here are a few ideas:

1. Preempt the strike: Tell them they may not like what you have to say. Hey sometimes truth hurts!

2. Ask bestie what they would tell you to do. You've  known them a while. You could imagine what they would say if it were you.

3. Don't give unsolicited advice! That is reserved for moms. However, give "examples" think them through first and don't lie! Your bff can see right through that. Rather, give examples from people you know,things you've read, or even tv shows you've seen.


The most important things are supporting your bestie and being real with them. Remember though real isn't always appreciated and nothing hurts like a strong bond weakening, friends or otherwise. So hope for the best but prepare for the worse.

At any rate, if they are in a relationship that really has no chance on earth, your friend will need you, to wipe the tears and bring the Bonbons and Ben and Jerrys ...or Vodka. Try to be available emotionally and physically. After all they are guarding your dirty little secrets.

Living with Life

Okay so your life is not perfect. You don't have your dream job, you don't drive your dream car, have yet to close on your dream house, and your boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is getting stale as week old bread. We have all been there. Some of us live there. While it's true that we are not in control of every outcome in every situation, what can you control? You. If there is a passion you posses, do it. The scale will come eventually. The major focus is to hone in on your craft, passion, abilities and continue to make them great, greater than yesterday and the day before that. You are what you do,. Express yourself. Expression is what makes people unique. No-one can express themselves the way you do, It's the beauty of being individuals. Don't give up on your dreams, Just try your hand at improving your situation day to day. Focus more on maintaining what you do have rather than getting more to maintain. Remember, progress is a direction not a speed. And get rid of that stale relationship. Jokes people! Seriously though communication is key.

Persevere