The Single Life….Stinks?

         I wonder if some single people see couples and think “luxury”.  I admit, at one time, I had those thoughts. What I was overlooking is that, like any other luxury, it comes with expense. Once you attain the luxury, at an expense, you have to maintain the luxury; again at more expense. So let’s just say it’s taxing. Constant compromise, co-existing, co-dwelling (let’s face it you never really know someone until you’ve lived with them.) Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying being in a relationship is Hell (although if I had to base it on my last relationship I would be inclined to lean south.) But I am saying relationships aren’t Heaven. Much work and sacrifice goes into maintaining the luxury and keeping it “like new”. By that I’m referring to that fresh feeling of a new relationship. That point in the beginning where even the annoyances, that will ultimately drive you to drink further into the relationship, are tolerable to you.

LIFE WITHOUT THE LUXURY

                I understand that life even if you’re single requires sacrifice, compromise, and even co-existence (work, school, family) but it’s to a measure. So your dinner compromise may sound something like: “Should I have my absolute favorite meal for dinner, or should I have my other absolute favorite meal for dinner?”  Worlds away from: “I’d love to have lasagna tonight but, oh darn my lover is allergic to ricotta cheese.” Some things there’s just no compromising on. (Lasagna is NOT Lasagna without ricotta!)

                But what of other matters: job hours, where you’ll live, when someone will be allowed in your space; (a girl or guy has the right to roam the house naked without unexpected company coming by to watch the game or gossip). What about who will be allowed in your space? It’s almost impossible to adore ALL your mates friends; it’s written somewhere in the luxury handbook. There’s always one of their friends that you’d rather be in the opposite car of you on the caravan trip to Cabo. If I said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Peace is priceless!

FINDING YOUR PEACE

                Peace is a state of tranquility. Can it be achieved in numbers? Absolutely. With work and, I have to admit, expense of energy it can also be achieved on a solitary level.

So where’s your peace? What speaks to you? Is it in work, fashion, gardening, music, writing, exercise, cooking…the options are endless. I can’t think of many more viable positions other than being single, to locate where your peace is found, learn yourself, place value on yourself, build on where you’ve found your peace, expand your mind and horizons without distractions (as we all know relationships can be.)

                 At the risk of blowing my whole theory in half, it’s worth admitting this can also be done with a mate however this growth will be partly shaped by another individual (as if our minds don’t receive shaping from life’s experiences.) In the end being single is also a luxury of sorts, and in time you get what you pay for. Using your single time wisely to invest in yourself will undoubtedly attract the kindred spirit who respects the luxury of inner peace you’ve found. Think hard have you ever seen a toxic couple that were “perfect for one another”? They got what they paid for. Something in the soul attracts another to you. So if you find yourself asking “how do I end up with these losers?!” it's time for soul-searching, after you ditch the loser of course.

STINKS?

             I guess that depends on what smells good to you. To me everything is perspective, still it reduces to one thing: If you’re not happy alone, you’ll probably not be happy with someone. It’s important to be self-sufficient, self-containing, self-confident and self-motivated not to be confused with self-ish. Smells good to me.

Forgiveness

For who?

When your feelings are deeply hurt, how long does it take you to forgive? Or do you forgive at all? I will not pretend it’s an easy thing to do. What I will say is: its necessary.  Forgiving doesn’t make you stupid as some might feel. Think of it this way, daily God forgives us if we are truly repentant. There’s nothing stupid about The Almighty is there? Could you imagine if God held grudges? We would all be in trouble! It’s my belief that if he forgives the repentant on a daily basis, who are we not to forgive one another?

                I didn’t always feel this way. At one time it was hard to forgive, especially if I thought you “knew better.” I would think: “This person doesn’t deserve my forgiveness!” It was my grandmother who cleared it all up for me, she said “Forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for you.” How right she was! I equated being forgiving with being weak.  I equated forgiving with allowing someone to harm me without doing the harm of hating them in return. Thinking about it though if someone could have hurt me that badly in the first place, are they truly the type to care how I feel about them in the next? Truly it’s hard to tell. Not every offense is intentional. Ever heard the phrase “If you knew better, you would do better”? Sadly, they may not know any better.  However, for those that were fully aware, who knew better, it’s not likely they cared to begin with. So by not forgiving them, that emotion you so badly want to plague them with, only plagues you.

                Another thing to consider is, just because you’ve forgiven someone, doesn’t mean, you are required or expected to repair or continue the relationship. It truly depends on how broken it is and if you are willing to risk your heart and energy trusting them once again. To you it may not be worth it. But the freedom that comes from not holding a grudge and not denying yourself the peace of forgiveness is priceless. It’s not for them, it’s for you. Forgive

Anger The Prime Impediment to Progress

Looking back on my mere 30 years I can, in all sincerity, say life is short. By no means am I old but if 30 happened in a flash, I’m certain the next 30 will be a blur. Even if I live to be 80 at the rate life passes I can blink and I’ll be 79. I look around and think where has the time gone? Then I do a self-appraisal: what have I done with my time? During my self-appraisal I seen the mistakes of my youth. Still, it wasn’t enough for me to understand that I made them, to know that they were irresponsible, and resolve not to repeat them. I wanted to know why I made them. So I hashed, rehashed, replayed, and came to the realization the problem. It was surprisingly simple, I was angry.

I say this and your thought may be: why did it take you 30 years to realize you were feeling this? Great question! This is not a simple emotion whose only recourse is to be displayed through violence, belligerence, difficulty, and dismay. Those are the moments when anger is in action, it’s peaked and can’t be concealed from your face or anyone else’s. I’m addressing today the undercurrent covered by the still waters stemming from those pivotal, life altering, and rude awakening moments in life that you thought, because you lived through, you had conquered. This type is most perilous. It’s a deceptive, pervasive and permeating spirit. It’s what I refer to as a secondary emotion. People usually experience this type only after they’ve had the experience of the initial emotion: embarrassment, hurt, humiliation, betrayal; to name just a few.

Possibly you endured the initial emotion (embarrassment, hurt, humiliation, betrayal) as a child and hadn’t had the opportunity, the experience or where-with-all to express properly, or even realize and vocalize what you felt to purge yourself of the poison that will soon turn rear its ugly head. Or perhaps your offender is someone you are ready and willing to forgive, have even done so, but haven’t properly addressed the situation. Now here comes resentment, the ugly 1^st cousin. So here we are feeling these initial emotions maybe even simultaneously. What do you think will come next if these emotions continue to fester? Anger.

The most damage is done to the inner person. Anyone who knows me well can tell you my outer spirit was fun, playful, and care-free. I was clueless to that fact that I was angry, to the fact I clung to and made decisions based on it.

Why cling on to it?

It's never intentional. If I had been aware of my position I would have had a starting place for healing. However, anger is very good at hiding in tolerated and all too common emotions of our day like: sarcasm, cynicism, pessimism, being judgmental, emotional detachment, including violence, risky behavior and irresponsibility.  Unfortunately, these have become a coping mechanism; a poor one but one nevertheless.

So what happens with this unchecked and unresolved anger in clever disguise? We pass it along to others, it’s infectious, highly contagious. Our mates, our children, our co-workers, our friends, all get a dose and the cycle continues. As if this isn’t enough, it’s been linked to other health problems: anxiety, heart attack, high blood pressure and the list goes on. In short if left to its devices it can shorten your life span and affect the quality of your relationships. Do you want to die angry and/or alone? Of course not!

I was fortunate enough to realize my predicament and speak to its derivation directly and resolve it. Everyone does not have that opportunity. If you do have the opportunity speak to who you may hold accountable, I encourage it. Realize, of course that as an adult it’s no one else’s responsibility to make your life pleasurable. So don’t expect that. If that’s simply not a possibility, write it down, talk to a loved one, talk to a professional. Just express it, constructively of course! Otherwise once that pressure has mounted you can expect a volcanic eruption. Your aim is to root out the prime impediment to personal progress. This will require an honest assessment of yourself, your past, your hand in the matter, if any.

• Am I angry?
• What’s the real cause for my anger?
• Who am I angry with? (Sometimes you can be angry with yourself.)
• Who should I really be angry with? (Again, it may be you.)

                Realize it is totally possible reach a desired location that you’ve never been too without using a map. Wouldn’t it take more time, resources and leave room for you to get lost without using the map? These questions are the road map to your destination of progress. Don’t misunderstand me a life free from anger is not a perfect one. We live in a system that is not conducive to perfection in our life. No human can change that. Sometimes we will be justifiably angry. Still acknowledging you are angry, identifying who you are angry with, having those hard conversations, unloading the internal baggage can free up the energy you will certainly need in this life to make it through the next 30 years without its negative consequences. 

Life is short don’t spend it angry.

Step-Parenting

Step-Parenting
Dreadful or a Dream Come True

You don't want to give up. You don't want to walk out. You desire nothing more than a peaceful, cohesive, Brady Bunch type of situation. You work hard to provide for children who, if you weren't dating or married to their parents, you have no obligation to. This is the thanks you get? Consistently challenging, deliberately defiant, unambiguously ungrateful and you are unequivocally exhausted. You did not sign up for this you tell yourself.

 However, in reality, you did. Unless these children were sprang on you yesterday when you made a conscious decision to co-habitate with a ready-made family this is the decision you've made. Realistically any biological parent will tell you being a parent is a "thankless but rewarding" position. Your position is really no different. There will be challenges because raising children is not a breeze. But it shouldn't be a hurricane either.

    Let's do some digging into the situation. By no means am I sanctioning a childs, biological or otherwise, disruptive behavior. What I am saying is if they carry on with parents and other relatives in the same manner, people who they should have natural affection for, what sets you apart? You do.

Let's go back to childhood for a moment. Sure, now as an adult with revolving bills and a repetitive work-cycle, it seems like a cake walk to be a child, and it is to a measure, but it takes experience to know that. Children have yet to have those experiences and envy the "freedom" of an adult.

What a Child Sees as Freedom versus the Adult Realities.

Children- I can't wait to be an adult then I can...

"Eat what I want"!
"Go to bed when I want" (and not miss the party they have as soon as I'm asleep!)
"Have nobody telling me what to do."

Grass is always greener right? But children don't realize all adults can't eat what they want, stay up all night and party, or listen to absolutely no one. Not a healthy adult anyhow. (Sorry kids sometimes we do party when you finally go to bed!) Naturally, any type of parent has these "norms" working against them. Let's do some adding up of the external emotions a child could experience.

Insecurity

"You are not here for me. You only love my mother/father."
Now they may not verbalize this, indifference is a far more secure feeling than vulnerability. If the absent biological has, shall we say, split the child may figure, "What makes you any different?"
How does a step-parent combat this? Try developing a personal relationship with the child, free-standing from the bio-parent. Spend time, take a personal interest. But don't force it children have an uncanny ability to pick up an awkward moment or insincerity. Have the conversation, extend the invitation and if it's declined let them know it's an open invitation should they change their mind.

Discipline

It could be tempting to want to help a bio-parent "lay down the law" to an unruly child. Don't take the bait! This is not your position. You unwittingly will perpetuate a hidden, or overt, animosity the child may already feel about you. "Mom or Dad is always siding with him/her." (You).

Here's the resolution: Without the children, you and your mate agree upon desired behaviors and rules for the house as well as appropriate disciplinary actions to take if necessary. Allow the bio-parent to head up a family meeting , explaining the rules and consequences. Here you act in a supporting position. I suggest there be a visible posted copy for the children's reference after the meeting, this promotes accountability and responsibility. So when, yes when; the child will most certainly challenge these boundaries, the child test these waters your only job is to reinforce the rules already in place. Freeing you from the stigma of the evil step-parent.

 Method of Delivery

How easy it can be when being blatantly disrespected to return it in spades. Curb your tendency to mirror the child's behavior. If the adults act like the children, how can you be angry with the children? Usually children pick up the traits displayed in their surroundings. So if the child is irate, sarcastic, and volatile when angered they may be holding up a mirror to your responses when angered. As the adult it's important for you to set the tone and example. This won't be easy all the time. Stay calm, no sarcasm, name calling or yelling. Those things only justify the actions in the child's mind and validates their reasonings.

 What Else???

        Consider too, there may be external factors attributing to the chaos: the absent bio-patent "You don't have to listen to them they aren't  your mom/dad."
        Even worse there may be mutiny afoot; your mate: "Don't be so tough, he's/she is just a kid."
        With the audience of the step-child this undermining could spell shipwreck for all aboard. It's important for the child to always see a united front, or given the chance they will exploit the weakness. Not to say children are evil, but they are manipulative. They have to be in order to get their way at times, they control nothing in their world. This does not mean a child has the wisdom to fully understand how their actions effect the entire household. Then again they may. However you cannot control another human being at all so don't try.

Be realistic.
Offer security.
Set Rules and Support your mate enforcing them.
Stay calm & in control of you.
Patience is key.

 It can be a rewarding experience.