The Single Life….Stinks?

         I wonder if some single people see couples and think “luxury”.  I admit, at one time, I had those thoughts. What I was overlooking is that, like any other luxury, it comes with expense. Once you attain the luxury, at an expense, you have to maintain the luxury; again at more expense. So let’s just say it’s taxing. Constant compromise, co-existing, co-dwelling (let’s face it you never really know someone until you’ve lived with them.) Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying being in a relationship is Hell (although if I had to base it on my last relationship I would be inclined to lean south.) But I am saying relationships aren’t Heaven. Much work and sacrifice goes into maintaining the luxury and keeping it “like new”. By that I’m referring to that fresh feeling of a new relationship. That point in the beginning where even the annoyances, that will ultimately drive you to drink further into the relationship, are tolerable to you.

LIFE WITHOUT THE LUXURY

                I understand that life even if you’re single requires sacrifice, compromise, and even co-existence (work, school, family) but it’s to a measure. So your dinner compromise may sound something like: “Should I have my absolute favorite meal for dinner, or should I have my other absolute favorite meal for dinner?”  Worlds away from: “I’d love to have lasagna tonight but, oh darn my lover is allergic to ricotta cheese.” Some things there’s just no compromising on. (Lasagna is NOT Lasagna without ricotta!)

                But what of other matters: job hours, where you’ll live, when someone will be allowed in your space; (a girl or guy has the right to roam the house naked without unexpected company coming by to watch the game or gossip). What about who will be allowed in your space? It’s almost impossible to adore ALL your mates friends; it’s written somewhere in the luxury handbook. There’s always one of their friends that you’d rather be in the opposite car of you on the caravan trip to Cabo. If I said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Peace is priceless!

FINDING YOUR PEACE

                Peace is a state of tranquility. Can it be achieved in numbers? Absolutely. With work and, I have to admit, expense of energy it can also be achieved on a solitary level.

So where’s your peace? What speaks to you? Is it in work, fashion, gardening, music, writing, exercise, cooking…the options are endless. I can’t think of many more viable positions other than being single, to locate where your peace is found, learn yourself, place value on yourself, build on where you’ve found your peace, expand your mind and horizons without distractions (as we all know relationships can be.)

                 At the risk of blowing my whole theory in half, it’s worth admitting this can also be done with a mate however this growth will be partly shaped by another individual (as if our minds don’t receive shaping from life’s experiences.) In the end being single is also a luxury of sorts, and in time you get what you pay for. Using your single time wisely to invest in yourself will undoubtedly attract the kindred spirit who respects the luxury of inner peace you’ve found. Think hard have you ever seen a toxic couple that were “perfect for one another”? They got what they paid for. Something in the soul attracts another to you. So if you find yourself asking “how do I end up with these losers?!” it's time for soul-searching, after you ditch the loser of course.

STINKS?

             I guess that depends on what smells good to you. To me everything is perspective, still it reduces to one thing: If you’re not happy alone, you’ll probably not be happy with someone. It’s important to be self-sufficient, self-containing, self-confident and self-motivated not to be confused with self-ish. Smells good to me.

Forgiveness

For who?

When your feelings are deeply hurt, how long does it take you to forgive? Or do you forgive at all? I will not pretend it’s an easy thing to do. What I will say is: its necessary.  Forgiving doesn’t make you stupid as some might feel. Think of it this way, daily God forgives us if we are truly repentant. There’s nothing stupid about The Almighty is there? Could you imagine if God held grudges? We would all be in trouble! It’s my belief that if he forgives the repentant on a daily basis, who are we not to forgive one another?

                I didn’t always feel this way. At one time it was hard to forgive, especially if I thought you “knew better.” I would think: “This person doesn’t deserve my forgiveness!” It was my grandmother who cleared it all up for me, she said “Forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for you.” How right she was! I equated being forgiving with being weak.  I equated forgiving with allowing someone to harm me without doing the harm of hating them in return. Thinking about it though if someone could have hurt me that badly in the first place, are they truly the type to care how I feel about them in the next? Truly it’s hard to tell. Not every offense is intentional. Ever heard the phrase “If you knew better, you would do better”? Sadly, they may not know any better.  However, for those that were fully aware, who knew better, it’s not likely they cared to begin with. So by not forgiving them, that emotion you so badly want to plague them with, only plagues you.

                Another thing to consider is, just because you’ve forgiven someone, doesn’t mean, you are required or expected to repair or continue the relationship. It truly depends on how broken it is and if you are willing to risk your heart and energy trusting them once again. To you it may not be worth it. But the freedom that comes from not holding a grudge and not denying yourself the peace of forgiveness is priceless. It’s not for them, it’s for you. Forgive

5 Signs you may need to let go of your relationship.

Ever had a love that you compare every single one after that to? It seems no one can match up. They were perfect for you in every way. Wake up your dreaming! There's a reason why he/she is an EX.

For those of us still in a slumber of dreamland. Here are 5 signs that can help you decide whether you want to keep going or is it time for you to wake up?

5 Signs

1. You cry more than you smile

There will always be rough times in a relationships. Real love stands these test by coming together and making it through. No one on earth is perfect. So how can we expect the relationship to be? However, if your relationship consist of mostly tears, not tears of joy, then maybe you should take a time out. Love is difficult yes but it shouldn't hurt more than it heals.

2. You're stagnant

Have you made any progress in your personal or professional life? Did you have dreams ideas and aspirations that have gone nowhere? This could be a sign. Your mate should support your dreams, even if your head is in the clouds, they should to be there supporting you. Sometimes support is bringing you back to earth.

3. Friends are desensitized

So you visit your best friend to tell him/her of the most recent drama and they don't even blink, flinch, or budge. This means they are used the drama that ensues between you two. You should be worried when your friends aren't worried. It's a sign they have given up on your train of thought. They are exhausted as you probably should be.

4. When you are together you feel alone

You rush to your mate to share the most exciting news, only to receive a half-hearted "That's great". Or you sit down for a dinner and there's only the sound of silverware grazing the plates. Are you feeling like you are not in a relationship? Maybe you aren't.

5. The actions don’t reflect the words

Someone’s actions can speak volumes. Louder than words right? So if you’re hearing I love you, I need you,  I don’t want anyone but you, you complete me or you had me at hello but you are eye witnessing something completely different this a sure sign. 

 Here's the Deal

Love is an emotion, a strong, potent, intoxicating, invisible, entity that we can see the effects of even though we can’t hold it in our hands. Much like the wind you feel the cool breeze when it blows but when it stops, you can feel the difference.

Now unless you hit 1-5 on here don’t just call it quits with your lover. Communication is key. Have a real conversation, if possible, about improving the relationship, adding spice adding adventure, bringing the spark back, afford them a chance, if nothing changes after that, then sell the farm and hit the highway! Single Life here you Come!

Is Your Bestfriend Boycrazy?

We've all got that best friend who is pure genius. Intelligent, driven, accomplished, professional, and when it comes you your friendship, knows what to say,just when to say it and even knows how to say it. You say to yourself "Self, I'm so fortunate to have him/her as a friend."  You even attempt to give the same genuine love, care and advice when you can, except when it comes to RELATIONSHIPS...its like they lose their whole entire mind! "Who is this idiot?" You can find yourself thinking: "This is not my best friend." Yes, yes it is. This is your friend on love, or something like it.
So wrapped up in the idea of someone loving them romantically they do, say and allow some of the most outlandish things to transpire. Where do you come in? Be careful! While you may want to be a supportive listening ear, who is honest, that is not always what your friend is looking for.

HONESTY OR NAH?

Being too honest: "Of course you should be worried he/she admitted to being prone to cheat! " and they may just reject you and your honesty, feeling like you're calling them stupid, judging him/her and their choice to continue the relationship. Regular rules don't apply here.

 However, if you're too aloof you run the risk of your bestie feeling as if you're not interested or invested in his/her happiness. So what should you do? This depends on how well you know your bff here are a few ideas:

1. Preempt the strike: Tell them they may not like what you have to say. Hey sometimes truth hurts!

2. Ask bestie what they would tell you to do. You've  known them a while. You could imagine what they would say if it were you.

3. Don't give unsolicited advice! That is reserved for moms. However, give "examples" think them through first and don't lie! Your bff can see right through that. Rather, give examples from people you know,things you've read, or even tv shows you've seen.


The most important things are supporting your bestie and being real with them. Remember though real isn't always appreciated and nothing hurts like a strong bond weakening, friends or otherwise. So hope for the best but prepare for the worse.

At any rate, if they are in a relationship that really has no chance on earth, your friend will need you, to wipe the tears and bring the Bonbons and Ben and Jerrys ...or Vodka. Try to be available emotionally and physically. After all they are guarding your dirty little secrets.