The Single Life….Stinks?

         I wonder if some single people see couples and think “luxury”.  I admit, at one time, I had those thoughts. What I was overlooking is that, like any other luxury, it comes with expense. Once you attain the luxury, at an expense, you have to maintain the luxury; again at more expense. So let’s just say it’s taxing. Constant compromise, co-existing, co-dwelling (let’s face it you never really know someone until you’ve lived with them.) Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying being in a relationship is Hell (although if I had to base it on my last relationship I would be inclined to lean south.) But I am saying relationships aren’t Heaven. Much work and sacrifice goes into maintaining the luxury and keeping it “like new”. By that I’m referring to that fresh feeling of a new relationship. That point in the beginning where even the annoyances, that will ultimately drive you to drink further into the relationship, are tolerable to you.

LIFE WITHOUT THE LUXURY

                I understand that life even if you’re single requires sacrifice, compromise, and even co-existence (work, school, family) but it’s to a measure. So your dinner compromise may sound something like: “Should I have my absolute favorite meal for dinner, or should I have my other absolute favorite meal for dinner?”  Worlds away from: “I’d love to have lasagna tonight but, oh darn my lover is allergic to ricotta cheese.” Some things there’s just no compromising on. (Lasagna is NOT Lasagna without ricotta!)

                But what of other matters: job hours, where you’ll live, when someone will be allowed in your space; (a girl or guy has the right to roam the house naked without unexpected company coming by to watch the game or gossip). What about who will be allowed in your space? It’s almost impossible to adore ALL your mates friends; it’s written somewhere in the luxury handbook. There’s always one of their friends that you’d rather be in the opposite car of you on the caravan trip to Cabo. If I said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Peace is priceless!

FINDING YOUR PEACE

                Peace is a state of tranquility. Can it be achieved in numbers? Absolutely. With work and, I have to admit, expense of energy it can also be achieved on a solitary level.

So where’s your peace? What speaks to you? Is it in work, fashion, gardening, music, writing, exercise, cooking…the options are endless. I can’t think of many more viable positions other than being single, to locate where your peace is found, learn yourself, place value on yourself, build on where you’ve found your peace, expand your mind and horizons without distractions (as we all know relationships can be.)

                 At the risk of blowing my whole theory in half, it’s worth admitting this can also be done with a mate however this growth will be partly shaped by another individual (as if our minds don’t receive shaping from life’s experiences.) In the end being single is also a luxury of sorts, and in time you get what you pay for. Using your single time wisely to invest in yourself will undoubtedly attract the kindred spirit who respects the luxury of inner peace you’ve found. Think hard have you ever seen a toxic couple that were “perfect for one another”? They got what they paid for. Something in the soul attracts another to you. So if you find yourself asking “how do I end up with these losers?!” it's time for soul-searching, after you ditch the loser of course.

STINKS?

             I guess that depends on what smells good to you. To me everything is perspective, still it reduces to one thing: If you’re not happy alone, you’ll probably not be happy with someone. It’s important to be self-sufficient, self-containing, self-confident and self-motivated not to be confused with self-ish. Smells good to me.

Step-Parenting

Step-Parenting
Dreadful or a Dream Come True

You don't want to give up. You don't want to walk out. You desire nothing more than a peaceful, cohesive, Brady Bunch type of situation. You work hard to provide for children who, if you weren't dating or married to their parents, you have no obligation to. This is the thanks you get? Consistently challenging, deliberately defiant, unambiguously ungrateful and you are unequivocally exhausted. You did not sign up for this you tell yourself.

 However, in reality, you did. Unless these children were sprang on you yesterday when you made a conscious decision to co-habitate with a ready-made family this is the decision you've made. Realistically any biological parent will tell you being a parent is a "thankless but rewarding" position. Your position is really no different. There will be challenges because raising children is not a breeze. But it shouldn't be a hurricane either.

    Let's do some digging into the situation. By no means am I sanctioning a childs, biological or otherwise, disruptive behavior. What I am saying is if they carry on with parents and other relatives in the same manner, people who they should have natural affection for, what sets you apart? You do.

Let's go back to childhood for a moment. Sure, now as an adult with revolving bills and a repetitive work-cycle, it seems like a cake walk to be a child, and it is to a measure, but it takes experience to know that. Children have yet to have those experiences and envy the "freedom" of an adult.

What a Child Sees as Freedom versus the Adult Realities.

Children- I can't wait to be an adult then I can...

"Eat what I want"!
"Go to bed when I want" (and not miss the party they have as soon as I'm asleep!)
"Have nobody telling me what to do."

Grass is always greener right? But children don't realize all adults can't eat what they want, stay up all night and party, or listen to absolutely no one. Not a healthy adult anyhow. (Sorry kids sometimes we do party when you finally go to bed!) Naturally, any type of parent has these "norms" working against them. Let's do some adding up of the external emotions a child could experience.

Insecurity

"You are not here for me. You only love my mother/father."
Now they may not verbalize this, indifference is a far more secure feeling than vulnerability. If the absent biological has, shall we say, split the child may figure, "What makes you any different?"
How does a step-parent combat this? Try developing a personal relationship with the child, free-standing from the bio-parent. Spend time, take a personal interest. But don't force it children have an uncanny ability to pick up an awkward moment or insincerity. Have the conversation, extend the invitation and if it's declined let them know it's an open invitation should they change their mind.

Discipline

It could be tempting to want to help a bio-parent "lay down the law" to an unruly child. Don't take the bait! This is not your position. You unwittingly will perpetuate a hidden, or overt, animosity the child may already feel about you. "Mom or Dad is always siding with him/her." (You).

Here's the resolution: Without the children, you and your mate agree upon desired behaviors and rules for the house as well as appropriate disciplinary actions to take if necessary. Allow the bio-parent to head up a family meeting , explaining the rules and consequences. Here you act in a supporting position. I suggest there be a visible posted copy for the children's reference after the meeting, this promotes accountability and responsibility. So when, yes when; the child will most certainly challenge these boundaries, the child test these waters your only job is to reinforce the rules already in place. Freeing you from the stigma of the evil step-parent.

 Method of Delivery

How easy it can be when being blatantly disrespected to return it in spades. Curb your tendency to mirror the child's behavior. If the adults act like the children, how can you be angry with the children? Usually children pick up the traits displayed in their surroundings. So if the child is irate, sarcastic, and volatile when angered they may be holding up a mirror to your responses when angered. As the adult it's important for you to set the tone and example. This won't be easy all the time. Stay calm, no sarcasm, name calling or yelling. Those things only justify the actions in the child's mind and validates their reasonings.

 What Else???

        Consider too, there may be external factors attributing to the chaos: the absent bio-patent "You don't have to listen to them they aren't  your mom/dad."
        Even worse there may be mutiny afoot; your mate: "Don't be so tough, he's/she is just a kid."
        With the audience of the step-child this undermining could spell shipwreck for all aboard. It's important for the child to always see a united front, or given the chance they will exploit the weakness. Not to say children are evil, but they are manipulative. They have to be in order to get their way at times, they control nothing in their world. This does not mean a child has the wisdom to fully understand how their actions effect the entire household. Then again they may. However you cannot control another human being at all so don't try.

Be realistic.
Offer security.
Set Rules and Support your mate enforcing them.
Stay calm & in control of you.
Patience is key.

 It can be a rewarding experience.

5 Signs you may need to let go of your relationship.

Ever had a love that you compare every single one after that to? It seems no one can match up. They were perfect for you in every way. Wake up your dreaming! There's a reason why he/she is an EX.

For those of us still in a slumber of dreamland. Here are 5 signs that can help you decide whether you want to keep going or is it time for you to wake up?

5 Signs

1. You cry more than you smile

There will always be rough times in a relationships. Real love stands these test by coming together and making it through. No one on earth is perfect. So how can we expect the relationship to be? However, if your relationship consist of mostly tears, not tears of joy, then maybe you should take a time out. Love is difficult yes but it shouldn't hurt more than it heals.

2. You're stagnant

Have you made any progress in your personal or professional life? Did you have dreams ideas and aspirations that have gone nowhere? This could be a sign. Your mate should support your dreams, even if your head is in the clouds, they should to be there supporting you. Sometimes support is bringing you back to earth.

3. Friends are desensitized

So you visit your best friend to tell him/her of the most recent drama and they don't even blink, flinch, or budge. This means they are used the drama that ensues between you two. You should be worried when your friends aren't worried. It's a sign they have given up on your train of thought. They are exhausted as you probably should be.

4. When you are together you feel alone

You rush to your mate to share the most exciting news, only to receive a half-hearted "That's great". Or you sit down for a dinner and there's only the sound of silverware grazing the plates. Are you feeling like you are not in a relationship? Maybe you aren't.

5. The actions don’t reflect the words

Someone’s actions can speak volumes. Louder than words right? So if you’re hearing I love you, I need you,  I don’t want anyone but you, you complete me or you had me at hello but you are eye witnessing something completely different this a sure sign. 

 Here's the Deal

Love is an emotion, a strong, potent, intoxicating, invisible, entity that we can see the effects of even though we can’t hold it in our hands. Much like the wind you feel the cool breeze when it blows but when it stops, you can feel the difference.

Now unless you hit 1-5 on here don’t just call it quits with your lover. Communication is key. Have a real conversation, if possible, about improving the relationship, adding spice adding adventure, bringing the spark back, afford them a chance, if nothing changes after that, then sell the farm and hit the highway! Single Life here you Come!