Step-Parenting

Step-Parenting
Dreadful or a Dream Come True

You don't want to give up. You don't want to walk out. You desire nothing more than a peaceful, cohesive, Brady Bunch type of situation. You work hard to provide for children who, if you weren't dating or married to their parents, you have no obligation to. This is the thanks you get? Consistently challenging, deliberately defiant, unambiguously ungrateful and you are unequivocally exhausted. You did not sign up for this you tell yourself.

 However, in reality, you did. Unless these children were sprang on you yesterday when you made a conscious decision to co-habitate with a ready-made family this is the decision you've made. Realistically any biological parent will tell you being a parent is a "thankless but rewarding" position. Your position is really no different. There will be challenges because raising children is not a breeze. But it shouldn't be a hurricane either.

    Let's do some digging into the situation. By no means am I sanctioning a childs, biological or otherwise, disruptive behavior. What I am saying is if they carry on with parents and other relatives in the same manner, people who they should have natural affection for, what sets you apart? You do.

Let's go back to childhood for a moment. Sure, now as an adult with revolving bills and a repetitive work-cycle, it seems like a cake walk to be a child, and it is to a measure, but it takes experience to know that. Children have yet to have those experiences and envy the "freedom" of an adult.

What a Child Sees as Freedom versus the Adult Realities.

Children- I can't wait to be an adult then I can...

"Eat what I want"!
"Go to bed when I want" (and not miss the party they have as soon as I'm asleep!)
"Have nobody telling me what to do."

Grass is always greener right? But children don't realize all adults can't eat what they want, stay up all night and party, or listen to absolutely no one. Not a healthy adult anyhow. (Sorry kids sometimes we do party when you finally go to bed!) Naturally, any type of parent has these "norms" working against them. Let's do some adding up of the external emotions a child could experience.

Insecurity

"You are not here for me. You only love my mother/father."
Now they may not verbalize this, indifference is a far more secure feeling than vulnerability. If the absent biological has, shall we say, split the child may figure, "What makes you any different?"
How does a step-parent combat this? Try developing a personal relationship with the child, free-standing from the bio-parent. Spend time, take a personal interest. But don't force it children have an uncanny ability to pick up an awkward moment or insincerity. Have the conversation, extend the invitation and if it's declined let them know it's an open invitation should they change their mind.

Discipline

It could be tempting to want to help a bio-parent "lay down the law" to an unruly child. Don't take the bait! This is not your position. You unwittingly will perpetuate a hidden, or overt, animosity the child may already feel about you. "Mom or Dad is always siding with him/her." (You).

Here's the resolution: Without the children, you and your mate agree upon desired behaviors and rules for the house as well as appropriate disciplinary actions to take if necessary. Allow the bio-parent to head up a family meeting , explaining the rules and consequences. Here you act in a supporting position. I suggest there be a visible posted copy for the children's reference after the meeting, this promotes accountability and responsibility. So when, yes when; the child will most certainly challenge these boundaries, the child test these waters your only job is to reinforce the rules already in place. Freeing you from the stigma of the evil step-parent.

 Method of Delivery

How easy it can be when being blatantly disrespected to return it in spades. Curb your tendency to mirror the child's behavior. If the adults act like the children, how can you be angry with the children? Usually children pick up the traits displayed in their surroundings. So if the child is irate, sarcastic, and volatile when angered they may be holding up a mirror to your responses when angered. As the adult it's important for you to set the tone and example. This won't be easy all the time. Stay calm, no sarcasm, name calling or yelling. Those things only justify the actions in the child's mind and validates their reasonings.

 What Else???

        Consider too, there may be external factors attributing to the chaos: the absent bio-patent "You don't have to listen to them they aren't  your mom/dad."
        Even worse there may be mutiny afoot; your mate: "Don't be so tough, he's/she is just a kid."
        With the audience of the step-child this undermining could spell shipwreck for all aboard. It's important for the child to always see a united front, or given the chance they will exploit the weakness. Not to say children are evil, but they are manipulative. They have to be in order to get their way at times, they control nothing in their world. This does not mean a child has the wisdom to fully understand how their actions effect the entire household. Then again they may. However you cannot control another human being at all so don't try.

Be realistic.
Offer security.
Set Rules and Support your mate enforcing them.
Stay calm & in control of you.
Patience is key.

 It can be a rewarding experience.

Coping with Co-workers

How was your day at work? It could have been great if it weren’t for Karen.* Karen the workplace bully makes every day of the work week a Monday, and much longer than it has to be. Day after day you tolerate snide comments, constant complaining, unwanted input, and unwelcome humor (which is really a guise to be sarcastic). You want nothing more than to help a nice lemon meringue pie navigate its way to Karen’s entire face. You’re smiling right now picturing it aren’t you? Trust me, I am too. But we all know, unless the job is sponsoring a pie throwing event, it’s just not an option.  So what can you do? Here’s what I did.

                I started a new job last summer. I fell in love with it. It was just my speed, detailed enough to keep me interested, climate controlled, great benefits, pay…meh, however I was in need, this job met my needs and quickly became my career path. There was only one thing was stopping me from enjoying my daily routine, my workplace bully, Karen. A passive-aggressive, snarky, and underhanded co-worker. Highly skilled at her bullying craft to boot. On one occasion, it was concluded, she had taken a pertinent file and hid it on my desk to go to the recycle bin. I have to admit, we have a bit of a generational gap. Though, I share that gap with two other co-workers that never make me want ring their bell. Nevertheless after 9 months, the whole situation come to boil. The morale and teamwork had suffered. The situation was truly out of hand; the team had split almost down the middle. I had to do something.

I was curious, was it me? Have I upset the groove? I did some research and realized 2 people had left my department because of Karen’s antics. So while I was grateful that the workplace bully’s tactics eventually lead to my being gainfully employed, I was determined to not be the next victim.  Admittedly I did not use the most professional tactic initially. I tried the “Back Off” Tactic.  I plainly asked her “Do you ever get tired of being evil? Or does Satan recharge your battery every night?” The look on her face, priceless. Still I wasn’t satisfied. Had I helped the situation or have I hurt it? Hurt it of course!

                The object is not to get them back. The object is to rise above the childish behavior, while calling them to a higher place. So what next? I used my resources, good advice in the first few months of employment there prompted me to document everything including dates times and eye witnesses. With that information I filed a formal complaint with the Human Resources Department. I also requested a mediation, which she declined. So although, that didn’t work for me it showed my co-workers as well as superiors I was willing to resolve any issues.

Next I began to be very direct. This is not a simple trait to develop. People are so used to trying to be kind they forget to be real. While saying something to the affect of, “Excuse me this is a private conversation, do you mind?” can come off as rude it’s not. You’ve used your manners and requested them to do the same. It may not be welcomed, but what you’ve done is set a healthy boundary. The key to being direct is to find a middle ground in your tone, light years away from sarcasm and discourtesies. Be sincere not passive aggressive.

 Lastly I apologized. Sure, in my mind I felt justified in my tongue lashing after 9 month of “professional purgatory”. I wasn’t. In the professional world stay professional. It sets you apart from the Karens in the office and allows your true colors to shine. Surprisingly enough she apologized as well. After the apology the office had a lighter air to it. To keep the air light, I didn’t engage with Karen any longer, unless we had to work a case together. Work-life is sweet now. Did my actions change her? Absolutely not. She is still very much a disruptive distraction to productivity and peace. On the other hand my actions have changed my outlook and my response to her actions.

What’s the moral to the story?

1.       Do your research, know who you’re dealing with.

2.       Document everything:  times, dates, people present; every detail is useful.

3.       Use your resources: Human Resources, Your supervisor. This is why they get paid the big bucks to deal with the headaches that you shouldn’t have to tolerate.

4.       Set healthy boundaries: Instead of joining in on the negative behavior, no matter how tempting, rise above it and stay professional.

5.       Apologize for your part: A simple sincere apology can go a long way to improve the situation.

6.       Don’t engage: Know that all your actions haven’t changed this person for good. So be realistic and navigate around them if possible. If you have to engage, remember, stay professional.

If none of those things work I know a great Lemon Meringue Pie Recipe.

*Name changed to protect identity